abscondence

Dance

2011-12-15T00:37:00.000+08:00

"One day it stopped, as if the film simply slipped off the reel. Her departure left me emptier than I would have suspected."

Burying my face in Murakami's work has been a challenge. Putting aside the great appreciation of a writer's ability to deliver lines you get so drawn to because you can just simply relate to them, this author's very name caresses a wound still sadly raw. NORWEGIAN WOOD is a book I've been trying hard to avoid because it is the book you had passed to me at my car park. I had eagerly taken it, even though I knew I probably would not have the time to even sit through Chapter 1. My mind still retains, perhaps a little unnecessarily, that moment in your car park, where I had, a little too indignantly, returned the book to you. I caught a look in your eyes which I clung to thereafter, which did not match your determination to put everything that had speedily taken place, equally speedily aside. I regretted the anger that had gotten the better of me and spent the next few months conjuring positive what-could-have-beens. I was told it would take me half of the time spent together.

It's been longer than that. But I still chose to buy DANCE DANCE DANCE instead of NORWEGIAN WOOD after standing in front of the shelf bearing Haruki Murakami's works for 20 minutes.

There is a love-hate relationship with this white book (ei, vintage edition) that I had chosen to take with me to Taipei. THE LAST EMPRESS beckoned. THE LOST SYMBOL was too heavy. At 2am with a pressing need to get some rest before heading to the airport at 4.30am, DANCE was the winner. With merely 5 chapters into this book, I had fallen backwards in my journey out of this void.

Dance. Said the Sheep Man. Danceaslongasthemusicplays.

When I spot myself in the mirror (when the enthusiastic but unattractively selfish people in the room do not block my view at last in their attempt to monitor their own progress), I seem to find myself. Well, not literally. There's this thing about dance that allows me to smile in a way that I am most confident. I heard him tell her last night, that she just needed to stop thinking. And so I did too. It was amazing to let the legs decide how the rest of the body should move. Suddenly the hands knew where to go, and the hips swayed the way he said the hips should sway. Then I felt myself smile.

It had to close, on the last day of August. Not special enough to have a taste of September. It was almost like you had planned to only give me that few months. Like you were on loan and I had reached the due date on the 31st of August. Your words still ring in my ears, clear explanation of why I should stop being a fool and keep losing my place. Haha, and stop seeing you walk through that door.

I knew I was dancing even though the music had stopped, depending on the mind to muster whatever it had managed to capture of the tune. Smooth as the roll of film, you very suddenly slipped off the reel that needed time (still not sure how long) to stop running.

Today I bought a book, with a little person on the cover, sitting down and hugging his knees. It says 今天安静一点点... haha. Well, be quiet, mind. Let the heart rest. Let the music come from around you and let it fill the ears. Let the legs decide how the rest of the body should move.

Out-ram.

2011-12-04T10:13:00.002+08:00

I am rather amused by the drama that is going on outside this place that I live in right now. The men that are talking at the top of their voices seem determined to use every possible vulgarity in order to sound cool, and one of them is currently attempting to open my front door. Because a thin wall separates me from them, I am hearing this right now:

Man: Eh you talk *ock la you call me then you donno call for what sia you *heebye la you.

Then he utters a string of Malay words, then a string of Tamil words. And I applaud his multi-lingualism.

What have I not seen here? Sometimes the people who live upstairs decide to throw down their leftover food from their units, and a packet of curry splashes beside me. Reflexes are the key. The poor cleaner himself had been hit too many times and he can only curse and swear. During polling I was scanning through the faces, wondering if I can spot the "killer litter" look. Oh he/she hides well. Not forgetting that young boy who wants to have sex and goes grabbing people's arms for it.

Maybe it is not such a good idea to run at night here.

V's place at Tiong Bahru seems so much more pleasant.

One Day

2011-11-08T09:29:00.007+08:00

Watched ONE DAY with karen and sheen yesterday... and it was fun. Meeting up with people who used to be such a part of your life. I was quite surprised, during the chitchat, that we all sort of knew things about each other back then. Maybe because the Theatre Studies cohort was just so small. Or maybe because we just saw each other everyday, like what Karen said. I don't know. So maybe some of us did not have the low profiles we thought we had... haa. Oh dear.

This smart man from NIE came to enrich us with Design Thinking. Then he introduced the Wallet Project... and we had to do a prototype of the ideal wallet. So Ivy Lam of shit obviously turned it into her mini fashion show. Chunk and Ivy Lam of shit immediately dived into making their wallets (when it was supposed to be a team thing... talk about cooperation bleah), furiously snipping at the papers. So Chunk came up with this paper wallet thing, and Ivy Lam of shit had this 'fashion bag'. She even had a part of the bag where people can custom make their life mottos or uplifting lines. So we threw in a few. They all frowned with disgust at the 'cest la vie' and the 'carpe diem'. Aiya shucks. That was once upon a time a class motto! We eventually settled for a Dylan Thomas line:

Do not go gentle into that good night.

It's a good line! Heh. Say it, with some gentle passion. Say it with your fist clenched lightly and your eyes closed. We thought adding in "rage rage against the dying of the light" would take away the flavour. Yea, whatever. It's a good 'wallet'. It can carry my Yokoyoko.

So One Day is the kind of touching Lakehouse kind of show that people need every now and then. After the movie Karen immediately announced her need to buy the book. I was pretty much struck by some of the lines in there.

"It would be inappropriate, undignified, at 38, to conduct friendships or love affairs with the ardour or intensity of a 22 year old. Falling in love like that? Writing poetry? Crying at pop songs? Dragging people into photobooths? Taking a whole day to make a compilation tape? Asking people if they wanted to share your bed, just for company? If you quoted Bob Dylan or TS Eliot or, god forbid, Brecht at someone these days they would smile politely and step quietly backwards, and who would blame them? Ridiculous, at 38, to expect a song or book or film to change your life."

I didn't get that. And there was a little battle that went on in my head after that. Just that the ah beng voice delivered the thoughts. It is not being inappropriate or undignified whaaat. It is how much time you need to do other things that maybe some other things have to take second place maaaah. You cannot afford to spend time putting together a compilation disc (yea maybe not tape anymore) because you need to work to feed yourself. But you can still want to do so. Other than cringing at the stuff I used to write as a teenager, being 27 still feels the same. I still am affected by a song, a book, a film. At 22 I had let myself go. 5 years later I did again, a little more dangerously. I would be quoting at 38. I would be affected at 38. Yes?

"Sometimes, when it is going badly, she wonders if what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just a fetish for stationary."

Aie.

And the last, my favourite in the whole movie, possibly nudged me to step on the snake and I slid back to the starting point.

I love you. But I don't like you very much anymore.

You stupid writers. You stupid moviemakers. Why do you awaken senses. Why do you play with people like this.

K and I talked about how this is so possible. And it is scary. And we talked about the spark needed in relationships that would break hearts. Whether people should trade stability for the spark. Didn't like spark as a metaphor but the MSc Creative Writing woman was too lazy to think up a better one.

I don't know. I am excited to read her dissertation.
I dozed off waiting for her to send it to me.

Today I am one day closer to being 30. Then 38. Maybe it is the absence of my morning drug that is making me feel so unsettled. Maybe it is the darned movie that is making me think.
Maybe one day I will just let life happen eh.

Haha.

Where Did You Go?

2011-11-07T10:25:00.004+08:00

Excuse me Term 4, you flew too quickly by! I don't know what to do now! The EOY pattern usually works this way: prelimsmarkingsec3eoymarkingliteraturefestivalntconcertolevelpaperstaffconferencepromnightcollapseanddie.

But this year it is a little different:
prelimsmarkingsec3eoymarkingcareerfairliteraturefestivalntconcertolevelpapersemauditingstaffconferencecollapseanddie.

And four one after another. Prom Night has been taken off my plate this year... so I guess it is not so taxing after the Os. Oh the Os. :( Roared at Jess for wanting a meeting on the day I had planned to take my off-in-lieu. The conversation went as such:

jess: we need to meet up leh. no time already.
me: my o level paper is on monday. (this is after NT concert on saturday, and career fair and lit fest just over)
jess: we meet on tuesday lah, to discuss converse. rest of the week everyday got SMC.
me: which is precisely why i need that day for a break.
jess: wah... no time already leh.
me: ROARRRRRRR! GIVE ME A BREAK! ROAR!
jess: sigh okay okay.

Haha. When human talk does not work.

So I thought I was more able to deal with myself. It has after all, been more than 1.5 months. They say it's about half the time of the time spent together.
Maybe it is this seat. Because I would wake every morning and sink into this place and try to make myself feel better. Maybe now that I am sitting here typing this the seat is returning me what I tried to shed here two months back. Maybe I had just packed myself with work and never really moved on. Maybe I am just being very silly because like you've said, I am not her. Maybe I just really miss you.

Oh well. Yea yea okay... wake up.

This dude is shouting outside my house, possibly at his battered wife again. I have half the mind to swing open my door and give a lecture on love and treasuring the people around you. Hahaha! Then move on to Part 2 of the course and explain the difference between doting and loving. Then I will get a black eye and spit in my face.

But I mean seriously. Don't do this to people!

AIE STOP SHOUTING YOU STUPID MAN. Lemon drops. Good for throat.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops... away above the chimney tops... that's where you'll finddddd meeeeee...

Happy birthday Marie Curie!

Rain

2011-10-10T10:36:00.005+08:00

So we met for dinner and... aptly made predictions of and plans for our future. Of course I came up with the brilliant idea of taking log of what we say today, so that 3 years later when we look back on our lives we can laugh at our inability to achieve our goals.

Okay, some optimism please.

So that we can laugh at our inability to achieve SOME of our goals.

Except we listed only three things.

Interesting to see how career was on the list for the other three... but not mine. And relationship on Nisa's and Rozy's... hard to find much similarities among us. Well that has been established since long ago.

We tried to analyse what has been happening to us so far... and came to the conclusion that we are all just pie-charts. Each thing in our lives takes up one portion... and you should ideally not give your all in everything, because when one of it crumbles, everything else will crumble and your life will be in pieces. So everybody needs that breathing space. Like that little game thing whatever the name where you move the little squares to form other pictures... there's always one empty space. We need that empty space. We need our space. We need to breathe.

I think I have floated backwards to this place that I am learning to be comfortable with right now. The walk in the rain was refreshing. There really is something romantic about rain. Quite interesting not to be dashing for shelter and just appreciating the droplets from above.

I am sorry I could only think of the killer litter.

September

2011-09-30T17:44:00.003+08:00

September was supposed to be so beautiful.
But the artist decided to overturn the palette
and determine that my canvas would be in monochrome.
And I had no say what colours I could keep
because everything, just everything, hit the ground
and flowed into the cracks between the slabs of concrete.

How long can I hide behind the pillar
and pretend I am no longer there?

2011-09-29T07:42:00.004+08:00

I think I can live with this dull ache. I think I can live with driving by places that remind me of you and just smiling to remember what it was like just a short while ago. I think I can live just knowing that you will always be fine.

She finally dared to listen to "The Blower's Daughter" again. Last night she took the pair of small diamond earrings she had bought out of her bag and put the little box into this drawer that she now keeps locked. Along with the many other things, here and there purchased.

2011-09-24T22:35:00.004+08:00

The very friendly salesgirl at Watsons (I think I remember hearing about her) told the Caucasian woman in front of me in the queue that she looked like Princess Diana and she should visit the store more because she was so pretty. I thought that was rather funny so I laughed. But because I did not want to make very friendly salesgirl feel silly I pretended I was laughing at the Angry Birds umbrella.

Angry Birds is quite the rage these days! (heh heh.)

So I bought two bottles of Yoko Yoko cos it's on sale. My drug.

Am sitting opposite Chloe at The Usual Place and she's still at her marking, while I managed to... thank goodness, finish the stack on Friday. Gosh it was liberating. Mildly. Many more things to come. 31 October is a date I want to come soon, yet I dare not for it to come so soon.

NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

So the litter found itself at Wala on Friday... Joey ordered the Porkys I was eyeing, so that I wouldn't have to deal with the guilt of WANTING to stuff myself with fried pieces of fat. I concluded that Chunk-iat is selfish because he ordered a selfish burger. Ansel happily shared his friendly pizza, and Chunk-iat tried to save himself by insisting that he has SELFLESS fries.

Loved the expression on Joey's face as the big men spilt beer into her lychee martini when they tapped their beer glasses a little too manly-ly.

O What Fools

2011-09-22T09:39:00.004+08:00

I realise how prophetic I am. I had set such apt questions for the Prelim paper. That now I am wincing at every other line written by the kids, so accurately poking me like barbed wires. I have been a combination of Bottom and Helena.

Came to a conclusion about the chemistry (or lack thereof) I have with Li Yin. Jingyi and I went through two games marvelling at how we managed to win them. She gave a sheepish I-don't-know-what-happened look each time the shuttlecock hit her racket (yay!) and feebly SLID off it onto our side of the court (boo.). Haha. Then Li Yin came down (Mrs Sam cheered when she saw her Yaris parked at Shuqun's carpark) and we paired to take on the very-enthusiastic older ladies from the third team, who looked formidable in their matching red shirts. I looked at my usual sports wear (the grey Nike with the green stripe... I realise I had worn the exact same shirt in LAST YEAR's cluster games... oops. No variety in my photos... except perhaps more age lines...) and her SAI-green PESS shirt... and we looked NUA. But hey. We worked pretty well in that game! Chun Keong refused to let us know the results of the other two doubles as we were playing... so we just whacked. Then we met Nan Hua in the semis. Then the story of our good chemistry ended.

As also seen in our inability to understand each other's texts...

TLY: Eh what do you mean whatsapp cocked up?
me: Huh I didn't know what you were messaging... you suddenly mentioned Formosa.
TLY: Ya the first line was in response to your message, the second one is about food later what.
me: You are confusing.
TLY: I thought we had chemistry.
me: Wasn't it established yesterday in the Nan Hua game that we have zero of it.
TLY: Oh shit. No. I lack chemistry with the shuttlecock.
me: Please say your words clearly.

Then Shu Jiun walks over trying to murder my I-Phone charger by pulling the wire out viciously. Unsuccessfully.

me: WOEI. What's with the violence! You have to press the things at the side!
SJ: I don't know! I don't know! *tugs*
me: Li Yin I told you to pronounce the word properly.
TLY: I lack chemistry with the c-
SJ: Aaaaagghhh! *hands both the charger and her handphone to me in desperation*

It must be the exam period.

2011-09-19T08:38:00.003+08:00

I woke with a sharp pain in the calf and I immediately cursed the Yuzu Pear I had the night before. Then I wondered if you still had those cramps in the middle of the night. It was not so much a sadistic thought, but more of a reminder of some warm moments. And I smiled because I know you would be able to deal with it yourself anyway. :)

The schedule with Chloe has been like this for the past few days:
1) Meet, find good spot, buy coffee/tea, mark. (Free parking places are good places)
2) Stone after a while, stare at each other, convince the baristas at the cafe that we really aren't students (heh heh) and we are not studying so please don't chase us away.
3) Mark some more. Her speed is much faster than mine because I write essays for the essays.
4) Give each other THE LOOK, then pack and move somewhere down the lane for some drinks.
5) Try to tell ourselves that we still need to mark.
6) Pay and move back to cafe to mark some more.

Today I realised I am happy when you are happy.

Pui Yhing's car was dancing in the car park this morning. New Vice Principal. Prelim marking reminded me why I am doing this. Lost that direction for a bit last week. :\ I always thought I was clear why I want to teach here... then got shoved off the track for a bit... but hey. I've got that sorted out and it's not going get me down. At least not now.

This Other Side

2011-09-14T17:58:00.007+08:00

I think she heard something.
Because she ran up to the wall
and excitedly put her ear to the cold concrete.
Shifted her position every other second...
as if it would make any difference.

Then, with sudden conviction she tried to climb
Up the wall because she was so drawn
to what was on the other side.
But the hard stones never meant to relent...
and they had sharp edges that cut into her skin.

Sores embellished her fingers -
the certificates of her devotion - but she was relentless too.
Her friends refused to support her meaningless climb
And tried to convince her that there was no other side
much less the source of that sweet sound

that I think she heard.
Maybe it was all in her head and she thought she had something
when there was really nothing at all.

Then suddenly she fell.

and she slammed back first onto the ground... hit her head and broke her heart.

I got up immediately and wanted to go up to her and offer a hand
But she was not moving I thought she was dead.
Her arms lay limp by her still torso
and her legs were twisted in an unnatural manner
So unnatural that I felt queasy.

The rain then decided it was a good time to fall
and help her wash away her wounds
After a while the deep crimson would flow away from her
Diluted by the raindrops, the red would lose its colour
And she would be fine.

And it looked to me that she was strong.
Somehow just watching her I knew she would get up again.
Nevermind her broken limbs and head.
Nevermind even the broken heart.
Nevermind even the broken heart.

Sigh

2011-09-14T08:40:00.002+08:00

The father was extremely annoying last night, chanting "Angola" whenever he walked past the TV in the hall to go to the toilet. I had initially blocked out his utterances, so I did not quite register what he was saying. However the repetitions soon seeped into my brain and I realised he was announcing the results even before the finalists were called out. Dammit.

Anyway the questions for the finalists were quite interesting. So I believe I joined the pool of people who probably was watching and coming up with smarter answers than the contestants (the "if I were her I would have said xxx" group). Some of the answers were quite tak-kena. But I guess it is rather stressful to come up with something witty yet meaningful under those circumstances.

Miss China's question was about the appropriateness of nude beaches. I think she spoke about the different countries having different rules and regulations...

I knew my answer immediately. Although I would never reach the platform to answer that kind of question.

"Nude beaches are great because tan lines are really ugly." Then smile and say something about Brazil (I didn't know what that was about) and try to walk off without tripping over the gown or my own foot.

Nor has convinced me that I will have no bonus next year. Firstly, it is because she thinks I wear T-shirts to work. Sar confirmed it yesterday by saying "What do you mean office wear. You have no office wear."

Sar is the second reason why I will have no bonus. The Alumni president sent me an SMS telling me to follow-up with Mrs Sam on the booking of the floorball court in school. Except her SMS was:

"Please help me chase Mrs Sam on the Floorball court."

The message came in as I was sitting next to the Principal in a five-person meeting. Needless to say the literal image of her message flashed before me and I convulsed with giggles. The BWAHAHA had to be reduced to giggling and the giggling really should have been suppressed, considering I was sitting next to No.1.

SIGH.

I Rather Impermanence.

2011-09-05T11:43:00.006+08:00

You say it's ephemeral.

Fashion is ephemeral. When you sit in the subway and watch people pass you by, when you go to a party, a pub, a cafe, and you throw yourself to chance meets, that is ephemeral.

I tried to fight the concept. I tried to come up with scenarios where a balance is not needed... so that I can convince myself, somehow, that love is not coupled with loss. That the ephemerality captured in print is ironically a fixation and not a truth. And we determine the fleeting and the permanent.

So you are in continuous tense.
The heart does not relent, the eyes look far ahead where there is no finish
the body is not burdened by the weight upon the shoulders
and the legs keep running.
The hands let go of what slows you down
and you refuse a relaxed state.

You are a paradox.
So full of life, yet perhaps never getting exactly what you want out of life.
But because you are so brave you think it is okay.
You live to love and love to live.
And they are two very different things,
Because there is dependency in the former, and independence in the latter.
And maybe you might just be Life's spokesperson.

I lost in my vain attempt to fight reality. Because death is inevitable to us all and with love does come loss. People do come and go, indeed. Just that some hearts were meant to be the stations, while others the trains in this subway. And they have different agendas. Because the trains know how long they would linger, and there is always the next stop, but the stations are just waiting for the next one to come. Perhaps sometimes wishing that the train will never have to leave. But even at the final stop of the track, the train does not rest there, does it? It goes back to where all the fellow trains rest, never belonging to any station at all.

And I sound like a kid's book. Thomas the Tank Engine, Pre-Adult version.

Then I looked at the definition of 'ephemeral' again, and I realised that it bears two elements. That of impermanence, and that of time. Yes, everything will come to an end, but impermanent carries hope, while ephemeral does not.

On the Fringe. Oh Sophie.

2011-08-31T07:56:00.002+08:00

I CAN'T WAIT. For Saturday.

BIAN YUAN FU ZI ended on Monday, delivering the typical tear-jerking parts that did cause a slight tremor in me, and perhaps an immediate red-eye-ness in a funny someone else. The self-sacrificing previously-absent-now-repentent parent who finally gets the son's recognition scene was doing its thing, and it definitely helped that Li Nan Xing is MAN as ever. Please drive the taxis that I take, uncle. The manliness was flowing out of his pores even as he was hit by the beer bottle and his eyes widened from the pain. I don't think they would have bothered to insert some product placement at this point, because Li Nan Xing would have stolen the show. Who would care about the bottle.

But I thought some of the subtitles were hilarious. And I also think that they should not abuse the poor Rat. Excuse me. 无赖 = RAT. 卑鄙无耻 = RAT. 贱人 = RAT. Come some vocab! *Taiwanese variety show tone* SHQUEAK! Grr.

Let's not forget the CMEE moment (Civics, Moral and Education Education) where Jason shouts "I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL!" in a death-facing situation and he pounds wildly on the door, because he really just wants to run home and get dressed for Math class when some gangsters want to "finish him off".

The Albert Attempts To Rape A Leather-Jacket-Donning Cool Gang Woman Leader scene was funny too. But it caters well to the viewers I guess. People trying to get fresh with Fann Wong under any circumstance is worth watching. Just love the lines. I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME ALL YOUR POWER. AND. YOUR. BODY.

Ready. Cue. One. Two. Three.

BAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAA!!!!!

Okay.

The ending was not too bad lah. At least not disappointing like Little Nyonya. Except he left it open whether Tian Yibang will end up with Li Jie at the end. Of which Janice thinks that because he's such a FRIEND, he won't take his xiong di's wife. Let's see if there's a sequel like the annoying text at the top left corner of the screen suggests.

PO (xxx)

2011-08-28T16:17:00.003+08:00

I had only one thing to look forward to yesterday. Dinner. Which would mean the whole thing is over and I am happiness. Fajitas and pina colada. And struggling to keep awake because I really wanted to spend time with you!

I am now used to the elections jargon. I was PO (Ballot Paper). Means I read out the voter's name, serial number, write the serial number on the counterfoil, tear the voting slip out and pass it to the voter.

Maybe I was a little too annoying yesterday. In the morning when we were all seated in the room (most of us Team 1 people were just dozing off because we had to wake up at 4.15am to get to SCGS), I kept going up to Annie to ask if we can have a PO (Chao Mian). Because I was really craving for some good chao mian and the Snack Pack could not really do much to make me feel better. And later I named Bernadette PO (Chicken Rice) because she went out to get food for us. And nearing dinner I asked if we could have a PO (Starbucks).

Was a little too tired at some point and I read out a voter's name as TANJONG PAGAR. Partner PO (Registration) read out "2011" as the serial number only to wake up 0.5 seconds later and apologise profusely because she had read out the year instead.

The Week's Discoveries

2011-08-17T10:23:00.004+08:00

1) Toes are usually not very needy, but they would once in a while remind you of their existence.
Because you don't see them very often, they get into a I-must-not-be-forgotten fit sometimes, and they would, within their means, remind you that they are there.

So little toe on right foot decided to stick himself out as I was running, a little unglamourously round a bend and past a cupboard. And so little toe decided that there was no need for such hurry and tried to slow me down by clinging onto the cupboard as I passed it. And woohoo! He grew in size, got separated from his fourth brother by a mini crimson pool... and I look at him very often now.

And he had to do his rebellious thang in front of the most important toe of my life.

2) Students are chisels and their words the mallets to crack your cool front.
So I walked into the class limping a little. Concerned students asked of the unfortunate accident that goes into the destruction list. (Recall: A certain someone walked into a wall about 8 years ago.) I say "I got into a fight." and attempt to flick my hair in bianyuanshaonian style, but they shoot me back with a "DON'T BLUFF YOU WALK INTO A WALL RIGHT."
Oh. Oh. Oh. And I lower my head in embarrassment and nod meekly. I wasn't even cool to begin with lar. Sigh.

3) Teaching is a skill.
And not many people can master it. Some people don't even have it.

4) Don't think aloud in the office.
As there was no bell, some of us were hiding in the office and pretending we didn't realise that it was lesson time. Then dear neighbour went:

Rude Teo: EH NOW TPI RIGHT?
me: AIYAAAAAR YOUUUUUUU! Now you say I have to go!
Rude Teo: Ooops!
Roseza: Haiyar quiet mah!

Giggles all around but you cannot really spot any one at their desks. All hiding below the partitions...

Then later...

Rude Teo: Okay see you back here at 2.30!
me: Okay. Doesn't it end at 2.15?
Roseza: No no, TPI is till 2.30!
Rude Teo: HAIYARRRRRRR see lah why you ask.

And now some people are pretending to be more interested to repair the broken lights in the Staff Room...

Ugh.

2011-07-30T16:36:00.003+08:00

The mummy sent me an SMS in great anguish.

She had given up her seat in the MRT very generously to a young boy, who politely thanked her for her kindness.

"THANK YOU PWOH PWOH." (That was how she spelt it.)

And twenty thousand rocks dislodged themselves from a sturdy cliff and flew, rolled, tumbled... crashed down upon her.

HE CALLED ME PWOH PWOH! I AM A PWOH PWOH!

And I try very hard to recall the time when she recoiled in horror when someone called her auntie in the market. Then there was struggle. Then there was moving on. Then there was acceptance.

Then innocent small fart pushed her into the next phase.

So I tried my best to make her feel better with:

"I'm already 27! You were 27 when you gave birth to me! Ah Poh became a grandma much earlier! So... had you been lucky enough or had I been lucky enough... you'd have been a PWOH PWOH... right?"

And then the twenty thousand rocks came crashing down on me instead.

So I Stopped Wanting

2011-07-28T08:52:00.007+08:00

I am subscribing to Boyce Avenue and I do like some of the covers of the many songs they've got there. Sometimes this vicarious living is quite cool. Watching people do those things I've always wanted to do. Then I look around my cubicle and I am having a pocket-full-of-sunshine moment.

Except the windows of the staff room cannot be opened. And I don't have a parachute. And I don't wear gorgeous killer heels. And I won't have enough time to look glam and fly in the sky before I land on something. And the something I land on will be the grass just one floor below. Not the top of a building where people dance and sing like they're on stage and loving it.

There's only butterflies. How this line can be both positive and negative.

I guess this is the furthest I'll go. I think I saw most of myself and I was happier when I stopped caring whether they were listening to me! So I refused to let me kill myself because I wanted them to hear me.

I think Rude sounds like a duck sometimes. She's going AHK AHK over the phone to acknowledge what the person on the other end of the line is saying.

You Need Tea

2011-07-28T07:57:00.003+08:00

I feel like I want to dedicate a post, to tea.

This morning as I sit at my cubicle, smiling a little too creepily at a packet of tea lovingly bought by a sweet, thoughtful, kind, cute, student, I feel a moment of "and I would do anything for love".

I wish Ya Kun had a drive-thru. Then every morning I would swing by (if I still have time) and get myself a cup of life. Of love.

And I would be happy for the entire day. It is such a worthy investment. And students will not have to face a zombie or Grumpy Bear.

So hello! This morning I am Funshine!

Sigh.

2011-07-20T11:26:00.002+08:00

It's about that time of the year again, when I start running madly to the finish line and hopefully drag as many people as possible along with me. But gah I am feeling the strain. Maybe it is the flu. Maybe it is The Eye.

But oh. I want to sing. :( And I remember how you used to think I was the best. I know I am not, but it made me happy.

You have no idea how much I want to lead that kind of life. Just waking to write. Just waking to write. Now I feel like a dam has been built and I don't write as I used to anymore.

I Don't Like Toa Payoh

2011-07-11T00:17:00.002+08:00

So, Pain has become a permanent resident in Right Shoulder. It is so painful it is not funny.

SYF @ Toa Payoh HDB Hub is FINALLY over. Had a discussion with a friend on how 'TOA' ought to be pronounced. I insisted it was TUA because TOA payoh is really BIG payoh. And she says it should be TOE. TOE payoh. Sounds so cool. Then I decided to be irritating and settled for TOH-ER Payoh like Toa should be Boa with a T.

Well, now we are left with the AAR and the Thank You Tea... the day had been tiring... was there at 945 am and I pretended to be busy when the boss came. Haha... so I just happened to be moving chairs upon her arrival. Chairs that were already in place hahahhahaa. So anyway the day passed rather quickly. Then at the end I went to look for Jude in the car park AND I COULD NOT FIND HIM FOR ABOUT HALF AN HOUR.

I tried to recall what I saw when I first turned into the car park, and I remembered VERY CLEARLY it was B2. Then I remembered the lot number. It was 190! And Li Hoon remembered the zone colour: YELLOW! YES I HAD ALL MY INFORMATION! Li Hoon said the first restaurant she saw when we came out of the lift was COFFEEBEAN! And so I traced my path back to that! And I went up and down the same lift about five times!

AND THEN I REALISED IN HORROR THAT IT WAS REALLY B1 INSTEAD. AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. Nevermind. In all my excitement and relief to have found Jude, I forgot to press for a receipt when I was exiting the BLOODY car park. $10 parkinggggggggggggg. )(*&^%$#@#$%^&*()_+_)(*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*()_. Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't like you Toa Payoh. Toh-er Payoh.

Very Fast Things

2011-05-31T14:08:00.001+08:00

I titled the blog post, and meant to type an entry while waiting for a colleague's father to come pick up her belongings from the hospital... then realised that I could not type into the welcoming white box to crystallise my thoughts. And then like some madman trying to catch some butterflies with a broken net, I was trying to capture what was going through my mind.

Because what just took place happened so very fast, and I suddenly had to make slightly quicker decisions, then step into a speeding ambulance... the following calm left me feeling a little lost and so I thought. And thought. And thoughts with tea are thoughts very free.

*
So very naturally I started thinking about you. I needed a cheesy line to break the flow of self-pity. I dug my hand into the bag of Shakespeare's quotes, and pulled out one that struck me:

And I thought in all the cheesy, I might get something like "the course of true love never did run smooth". And I would roll my eyes.

Love sought is good but given unsought is better.

Hmm. Of course this be not love. Wherefore such a wild emotion though, that swipes one off one's feet and makes one behave in such an ungoverned manner?

The usual moves are calculated, knowing when to speak and when not. Then suddenly, without much consideration, one places oneself on the chopping board, ready for hurt. You have been a little brutally right. I have been running blindly all by myself. But you know, it was amazing to imagine that you were beside me all along.

Then I woke up. I think.

*

Colleague's father asked me three questions:

1) How long have you been teaching?
2) Are you married?

Wait, the third one was advice.

3) Then quit. Go find yourself a boy and get married.

And he was telling me that there is really not much point in working my ass off. He said he had gone to Laos and was initially a little upset when the people there packed at 4.45pm and disappeared by 5pm. He wondered why their work ethics were such. Then one day he said he drove to the Mekong River, I think he said Mekong River.... and he asked himself, who was right. Were they right and him wrong? Was he right and them wrong?

Actually at that point in my mind, I had an answer. And he said, "they're right." They are right to not give up their lives for work. Go rest, why put that as most important. Live. Your. Life.

And being a firm believer of things happening for a reason, I considered what he had said. Live my life. And with fast happening things...

I wish the net was not a broken one. I'd be a little more settled right now. But I'd still keep to my answer about the uncle's question by Mekong River. I think both are right. It is really just about how you want to live your life. And not using that to judge how other people live theirs.

Thank you for making me so very very happy, that even water can be precious.

It might or not be love, but it definitely is unsought, and when things happen for a reason, looking back at how things unfolded is rather amazing.

Pandora, My Box

2011-05-30T20:28:00.004+08:00

You know, I wish I never met you. But again it is the most amazing thing in my life. You have awakened what I have kept asleep for such a long time. I have kept some things hidden deep in this chest, not meaning to revisit them. Then you came along and released them all. I didn't even hand you the keys.

Yet this is the true me that I have been keeping suppressed. The endless quest for space, the wild dive into quicksand. It's like I longed to breathe and longed for pain all at the same time.

2011-05-30T00:48:00.003+08:00

Contrary to CFH's review (CFH is Customer From Hell... also known as Shuhui on calmer days) on Kungfu Panda 2... I thought it was rather funny... and definitely entertaining. Well, VERY entertaining. I liked the teamwork the six warriors share, the at-times rather lame, but very amusing jokes, the animals' kungfu moves... the goose so fatherly and motherly... okay here's the truth.

The most entertaining part was the bitch fight at the end of movie. Mighty entertaining.

So halfway through the show, other than the girl beside me who was complaining about Po's clumsiness, to her boyfriend, two people in the row behind were telling each other to shut up. I initially thought they were very vocal friends, because people do that sometimes. I mean, Rude always tells me to shut up... I always tell Janice to shut up... vice versa... Sar tells me to shut up... you get the drift. So it kind of died down (or so I thought) after a while.

Then at the end of the movie, C2 and I decided to let the kiasuism set in and we wanted to wait till the end of the credits to see if there were any bonus scenes. So the people behind us, in Row A, got up and were leaving. Suddenly, the entertaining thing happened.

Here's the cast list:

Super Loud Girl (SLG) - Girl who was attacked and was screaming at the top of her lungs.
Motherly Girlfriend (MG) - Friend of SLG. I thought she was her mother. C2 said she was her girlfriend.
Lao Ah Lian (LAL) - Attacker. Came with boyfriend who is a wimp.
Wimpy Boyfriend (WB) - LAL's boyfriend who is a wimp.

AND THE FOLLOWING ENSUED:

SLG: (to MG) Oh my god she just scratched my eye!
Mess of noise.

At this point, my weak comprehension skills left me still thinking that the two women were friends.

SLG: I can't believe you just scratched my eye!
LAL: You kept elbowing me during the show. And I did not scratch your eye!
She glares at SLG and walks off with Wimpy Boyfriend (WB).
SLG: (clearly not letting the matter rest) You stop there! Security! Someone stop her! OH MY GOD SHE SCRATCHED MY EYE!
LAL: (turning around in anger and also shouting) I did not scratch your eye!
SLG: Then what is THIS! (points at eye) YOU SCRATCHED MY EYE! OH MY GOD STOP WALKING AWAY SOMEONE STOP HER STOP HER! (she gets louder and louder)

About three lines before this, C2 asks if we should leave, before the fight got worse. But I was not going to pass this up for anything. So we stayed. And everything took place just beside us.

MG: Hey this is not right you come back here! Why did you do that! It is not right you know!
LAL: You were elbowing me during the show also!
WB tries to usher LAL out, not saying anything. MG runs after LAL and SLG is still screaming.
At this point, the whole of Grand Cathay was watching the bitches steal Po's thunder. Then some boys broke out and cheered the catfight. Some people were just irritated.

I was making sure my hair was in place because I might appear on Stomp, since I was just beside them.

Not that WB should not have ushered LAL out... but he could have done more to prevent the screaming all the way out. C2 later said it would have been interesting if they had really fought their way out then we could trace it based on the clumps of hair being tugged out as they exit.

Extreme lack of class. Not that I am classy. But still, so low class. I hope that if my face appears on Stomp, I was not caught mid-yawn or looking too disgusted.

*

After my green tea latte, which C2 insists looks like some pond crap... I decided to walk the fats away. And if the weather had not been so hot, I would have appreciated the walk back more.

*

"Hello...

We are capella, aren't we? I see you on the opposite side of the river... and we are really in very different places. Yours being a little bit funny. The bridge seems pretty strong to me though, unusually firm concrete. Rather hardy. (Har har.) But I am full aware of the body of water between us, that is calmly lying between, not moving. And nothing would disrupt that peace.

I am happy enough to be able to sit here and watch you, in all your poise, in all your style. And I am loving, even, the slight flick of your hair."

2011-05-05T17:18:00.002+08:00

I shudder to realise that a person changed my life because of her comments. Whether or not it was for the better, the sheer ability of a passing remark to alter my pathways scares me.

I had sought a person for a confidence shot but instead got an honest comment that swung another way. And because of that, I dared not pursue what I really wanted to... and lost that opportunity forever. Yikes, life.

2011-04-15T08:24:00.002+08:00

I've always imagined myself driving to work in some cold weather... then parking my car... then walking out with a cup of latte from Starbucks I had gotten along the way... Carrying just a bag and holding the book I am currently reading...

ALMOST THERE. I drove to work, parked my car... walked out with a cup of TEH KEH SEE that I got from the KOPITIAM, carried just A BAG (left my laptop at work because I knew I would be too tired to do anything when I got home) and A BOOK I had meant to read but didn't get to because I was too tired and fell asleep.

But for a fleeting moment I was happy. :)

2011-04-08T10:37:00.002+08:00

I don't understand why four years seem really short, but 2007 feels so far away. My picture taken at my graduation production, plastered on my cupboard, stares at me as if the she in that picture does not recognise this person looking back at her. There's this mini microphone pasted on her face, her hair all stiff with hairspray and anticipation. The friend beside her, due to play the chorus, is much more dolled, with thick pink eyeshadow.

That picture is stuck to my cupboard because that was a time when I felt happiness and excitement spread across my chest and grip my arms. My graduation production does not speak of much... but it is one of the biggest moments of my life. Of course, I did not pursue theatre like some of my lucky uni friends did. I came into teaching, hoping to share Lit, to share Drama... as much as I can.

Drama Club was finally formed after 3 years of living on the sidelines. The students who graduated without the forming of Drama Club, but still did Drama whenever they could in school contributed to this final day. They were all part of our first SYF performance on 6th April, one way or another. It was our first. First for me, first for Mitch, first for them. I think all these firsts came together to create something really magical.

It might seem like an excuse to say lines like "let not the medals define us". But if you had watched us on our journey you'd see what really matters.

Today I am feeling unusually down. I am feeling down because I am worried for a possible disappointment that would hit them. I don't want "let not the medals define us" be an excuse, even though it is really really true. I hope for the best... and I hope with all my might that these people that I am so so proud of, get what they really want and the smiles on their faces will make all my years seem worth the while.

We really do have more than that. We do.

2011-03-27T23:22:00.003+08:00

It has been three months since I climbed into this new carriage, and everything has zoomed me by so quickly that I hardly have the time to look outside and appreciate the scenery. Someone came up to me and spoke to me about my choice of this ride... the person said, perhaps I might want to consider going on foot instead. Then I would be able to stop and breathe whenever I wanted to, or just look around at the beautiful flowers that are always the things that would make this journey worth the while.

It had me thinking, of course. Yeah, I have my fears. I am so afraid that I would not have the time for my flowers. But then I am wondering if my favourite book has done me more harm than good: the line rang in my head. The line that has now become the core of my existence. This postcard that I had printed in 2009 is pasted on my cupboard at work. I've said it so many times, but I am going to say it again:

It is when you know you are licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.

Funny how some fictional characters have become my best teachers. And Harper Lee might just be my greatest teacher of all.

And I told myself I am going to see myself through it. And I am not going to give up. Well... even if I crumble in the process... at least I tried.

I remember telling myself last year... "Hey. Just throw yourself into the job. For 4B2. For the 21 of them. Just keep running for them." And this year I am going to tell myself the same thing for my 28 kids. For the Drama kids. For 3B1. ROAR.

For now... please let me just stay positive amidst all the negative energy. For the friends who mean so much too. I guess they don't need yet another disgruntled voice. And I guess, for myself too.

Run, V. Run.

2011-03-06T18:11:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, you just need a ear. Someone to listen to the shit that you have been through, and offer words of support, or stand on your side of the line and go "yeah that sucks! stupid xxxxx." And you will feel better. You don't need someone sharing his/her piece of the shitty world, and worse, claiming that his/her life is worse than yours.

How would you fugging know?

So anyway. This crossed my mind for a bit. That life is more than just a sink or swim. Appreciate the water on your skin, and the view around. Even if nothing is around, there is that big sky above. No matter what colour it is.

2011-02-22T07:21:00.002+08:00

I am back to this quote again.

I don't like how my heart is ever at your service. I don't like how my emotions fluctuate with your random decisions to reply or drop me a message. I don't like how I am hanging there in desperate wait of minimal affection. I don't like this complication that I am sinking into.

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, are you appreciating the gentle spread of sunshine across the sky as you drive to work? Are you soothed by the comfortable tunes that your speakers croon, to accompany you as your day unfolds?

2011-01-23T13:09:00.003+08:00

Thanks to that boy who approached me last week with unpleasant intentions, my dad has been on a lookout around my place, and he's noticed this kid who has been lurking outside our house, or so he claims. And the mum now calls me to ask me when I would be coming home. It's funny to see how they offered to pick my cousin from the car park if she came back late and not so much me when we moved in a year ago. Now this has happened and I have ready bodyguards.

Although people think this boy is dangerous with rapist intentions hahaha, considering he did grab my arm more than once that day, to me he is a 22-year-old. Maybe if he were older and bigger in size I would be afraid now.

Had to text my parents when I was coming home that day and saw someone sitting outside our house. "Ma, there's someone sitting outside our house, but don't go glaring at him please he is not that boy." Haha. Oh well. If he does approach me again I would go to the police. But other than that, I'm just trying to convince the parents that constantly telling me to keep alert is making me scared when I actually was not in the first place.

2010-11-06T15:11:00.002+08:00

I know I dare not look into Facebook to see how happy you are now. Because I have successfully made you so unfamiliar in my life, removed how much you were a part of me... so I dare not stare into a picture of yours and have that you in the picture stare back at me. Because the look in your eyes ushers me out of my control down memory lane... where I was once happy.

2010-11-03T13:42:00.002+08:00

I finally had time to lean back in my chair and stare at the things around me that have accompanied me through two years in this new school. Some magnets I had bought at the Globe Theater scream out at me and a particular quote I realise, really expresses my existence.

My heart is ever at your service.

I think this is why I hurt. It is because you matter.

There is quite a dilemma. I cannot decide whether I should throw myself to experiencing the vast array of emotions (as I do believe a writer needs best experience, though Rowling and Hedley (heehee) have very successfully penned books through imagination...) or to protect myself from all the ache...

And then I decided that you do not matter to me anymore. And so your photograph comes off my wall. Because I realise you never did care. Or at least, they do not love that do not show their love.

2010-10-05T07:26:00.003+08:00

I was touched by the Straits Times article "Farewell Mrs Lee". Thought the writer was brilliant, but its contents were what made those tears that lingered and brimmed my eyes fall. From the point of view of a tiny (well, not in size) Singaporean, I feel blessed that there was this great, great woman behind that great, great man who made us what we are today.

And there are many such strong women around... since a long time ago. But sadly they are not the ones whose names are documented. Thankfully, Mdm Kwa, Mrs Lee... lives in a time where her greatness can be recorded for us, and the later generations to be proud of.

2010-09-27T22:47:00.002+08:00

Aie, it suddenly seems very... blurry.

So... I have reached a point where I do not desire. To me now, you are a just a dandelion that someone had picked up and gave a gentle puff at. Then your light petals sailed through the air to temporarily land in my hands, soon to leave again. Yup she holds the stalk. The dandelion in her hands is no longer complete, but I do not wish to own that flower anymore.

It is very blurry. Like a spoiled windscreen wiper, it does not make the glass any cleaner.

Hello, this is going to be a tough fight.

2010-09-10T18:00:00.002+08:00

I will hold a lantern every year for that year we missed.
I hold a lantern for that last hug I did not give.
Her words ring in my ears and my foolish hesitation to act
Upon them is, now Guilt that eats my heart away.

2010-09-06T16:13:00.003+08:00

Hello my sanctuary...

Today as I was packing my stuff I found some old cards that have been sitting on my makeshift ledge at my table. They're mostly from mugs, someone who has made me smile many times in my past four years of teaching. Then I recalled something I read on a card I received for this year's Teachers' Day. It was from Scarlet. I guess as a teacher I have been the usual sucker, keeping all these cards and notes written by students and treasuring them so much. They might be in some box (yes now that I have a box with my name on it I can use it!)... then one day you open it again and read... and then you are touched by the words that fill the paper.

So this cute shit cut out the boy and the old grandpa from UP! and stuck the words DON'T GIVE UP!!! beside them. And now it is stuck to my cupboard. :)

The negative energy that is pervading the office is rather dampening. Initially when I first heard of your intentions to leave, I was crushed. Then it was injected with hope and possibility. Then the bigger the balloon of chance grew, the louder the pop. Then now more and more people I call friends are considering the same option. I try not to look across my shoulder and expect to see you there anymore. Because I know I have to get used to not having you there. But I must say, all this talk about leaving, wondering what the world is like out there is making me wonder if people who stray in relationships think the same way.

Then I am reminded of the time when I was sitting in the 'cafe' at Bukit Panjang Plaza. And he came to join me, to pass me a book of how to make different types of tea and a stuffed toy. And we talked about how I am very afraid I might lose this passion to teach. He told me, as long as you remember how you felt when you first decided that this was what you wanted to do, and as long as it does not leave you, you will be fine. And I laughed because I chose to teach because of those two girls who waved to me and went "Bye Miss Tnee!" on my first day of relief teaching. The stupid heart fluttered as if those were the sweetest words I had ever heard. It is funny how we are both teachers now.

At least I know for sure, for myself... I have been touched by the little things that have happened to me in teaching. I have learnt many things, and I love how I am guided by the lines Atticus utters in TKAM. Hahha...

"You will never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view. Until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."
You know, this gave me the courage to support your decision to go.

"Most people are nice, when you finally see them."
And this made me hate less. It made me realise that everyone out here is actually trying his/her best to survive, to live. Yeah? Everyone has their own fears and if we take that all away... most people are really nice. Most lah. I noticed that word too.

And my favourite of all...

"It is when you know you are licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what."
That saw me through TKAM musical, lit debate, 'O' Levels 2008, NT Concerts mixed with Literature Festivals, work... class... Kopi Shop Rock... like the words on the card mugs gave... DON'T GIVE UP!!! And now, for my 'N' Levels and 'O' Levels again.

There was one period of time I lost it. And when I thought of the book I was ashamed of myself. And I am thankful for these words which amazingly pick me up and push me on.

Like what Mrs Sam said, things happen for a reason. Even though now I want to kick myself for going through all that to get you to England, only to create chance for you to meet the woman who will later steal you from me... in your skin, she provided you with an opportunity to breathe when you feel you are sinking. So I guess, with all the teachings put together, I am happy for you. But hey, if I hadn't taken on 'O' Levels 2008 (which was my biggest challenge then), I would have missed out on teaching TKAM, and I would have missed revisiting this book and I would have missed out on the words that saw me through so many things.

Last night I floated the idea of moving to Hong Kong to teach there... because I have always wanted to do that someday. And when Wendy brought it up I thought hey... that IS an option for myself sometime later! :) But then mummy was the cutest... in her non-pushy, gentle way she said...

"You really want to teach in Hong Kong? Hong Kong is so far away from mummy..."

And in my tiredness I fell asleep. But the words hit me and I realise how decisions, no matter how independent you are, affect others. And she doesn't know, but I teared when I recalled what she said.

2010-09-01T18:45:00.004+08:00

I am cringing at the "testing one two tree, testing one two, testing one two-"outside my house. This huge stage has been set up for the celebration of zhong yuan, and the people outside I believe, are soon to break into wine- no, tiger/carlsberg/tsingtao beer and song.

There is this tune that keeps repeating, I am not too sure if it is from a radio, or the person outside is singing. "I don't wanna say goodbye, for the summer...?"

This year's Teachers' Day celebrations at school were interesting. I found myself laughing in appreciation of the sporting ways of the teachers and students, and the great work put in. Somehow, when it reached the dinner, I felt some irking feeling in my stomach that wouldn't go away. And as much as I tried to smile and laugh and sing along to the performances by Serene and Erda and the CT Band, I could not shove it aside.

*

I think I am rather useless. Whether it is in the stars, or it is just this weakness that I possess... I have to finally say that I cannot take it. I don't know how others do it, I don't know how you do it. But I have been trying so hard to evade it in my own ways, trying so hard to agree with what they say. And it is tearing me. I cannot take it anymore, I have to let it out.

In 2007 when she left, I did not understand the uncontrollable tears that fell. There was just this sour feeling that pervaded my insides and I soon lost it. Yesterday in the car, I asked her, how do you feel, now that he is going? She said that she hasn't allowed herself to think about it. But she does not know how she would feel when it finally hits her. It has hit me since the day you brought it up. And I have been clinging onto the thinnest thread, hoping not to slip off, hoping the thread wouldn't snap. But as the thread you cast me was already thin to begin with... I should not have bothered to even cling on in the first place. It is not easy! Especially since I am such a freaking sentimental. I hate myself for being this way though. I said I could not look you in the face when talking about it, because I know that with these that I am feeling, I will not be able to hold it back.

Hey you. I am very upset that you are leaving. I don't even think these previous words are good enough to express what I am experiencing now. If I can cry when someone I'd known for three months is leaving, much less someone I have known and worked with for three, coming four years. And it is you. I know how this works. I promised her that we would meet up and I never found the time. And I know with the work I will lose you from the moment you leave.

But I do know, and of course even they remind me, that the most important thing is for you to be happy. And I do want you to be happy. And let's be happy at the two places we will be, not forgetting to live our dreams, whichever they may be. Meantime I will cast selfishness aside and hope for the best for you. Meantime I will try my best to smile.

Stefanie Sun's THE MOMENT is stuck in my head.

I am OK. I just needed to voice it, somewhere.

2010-08-09T16:14:00.002+08:00

I realise in horror that my blogging activity has now become a monthly thing. What does this mean! I don't have the time to write? I no longer feel a need to document (fondly) the things that go on in my life? I don't have anything to write about?

I am in DESPAIR, because out of the three coffee-making shops in the coffeeshop, only ONE is open and that woman cannot make good tea. I do not understand why you have to ADD WATER (growl growl) to the tea when I already asked for a TEH KEH SEE GAO! Do I have to say 'GAO' five times before it gets into your head? And you freaking charge me a Yakun price for adding a little bit more milk. HELLO!? Then I might as well troop down to the air-conditioned place!

Then she went on and on about how some people think adding milk is too sweet... HELLO WOMAN I ASKED YOU TO ADD SO JUST FRICKIN ADD THE DAMNED MILK! I asked for it! If I didn't want it I would have asked for a SIEW DAI. You siew dor.

But I didn't say anything, although very obviously "radiating waves of disapproval" hahahaha. Anyway I can't believe I went on and on about this woman after returning from my blogging hiatus.

It being National Day, I am less than a MONTH away from the N Level English Paper and I do hope the class is feeling the heat more than I am.

2010-07-11T22:05:00.002+08:00

last year, during the trip to KL with the netball girls, i shared a room with mrs sam and she said something to me that remains in my mind and resurfaces every now and then. she said, "everything happens for a reason." and i agree, so much. sometimes if you were to sit and think of the day, the week or even the month's happenings, you might be surprised to realise that something you hear of today, was actually mentioned a few days before by someone else. and then because of that, you pay more attention to the information you got today.

so today kathy told me to watch a little video starring justin, and so i went to youtube and i saw the video that made me cry. think that happened for a reason. everything happens for a reason.

with regard to you... what happened is also why i have finally cast this huge baggage i have been carrying with me for years aside. and now i can move forward with a clear mind and a light heart. :)

2010-06-17T19:09:00.002+08:00

five years later and i am revisiting melbourne with a different mindset. id just returned from a mindless stroll by the yarra river, watching again the majestic spread of fire against the cool night sky at the crown. last night i had coffee and cakes with yaohui, and i would never have expected to be walking in winter back to my lodgings with him ten years ago.

its funny how we have all grown so differently. and i am now wondering what it would have been like if i had just gone ahead and pursued what i wanted to.

today marks the last day of my bond... heh. and from tomorrow onwards, i am free!

winter always has that alluring quality, for someone who has spent her years growing up in singapore. someone said "i never regret anything i do." and i am a little sad that i can only say "i regret all the things i have never done." melbourne sky is that bit prettier, with the puffy white clouds and the clear blue sky as backdrop.

it is a little different here somehow. and it will be different from now on.

2010-06-08T00:13:00.002+08:00

mummy revealed her thoughts in a sudden urge-to-tell-all moment, breaking my brittle little heart, even though i am fully aware that what she said carried truths. in my little discussion with janice on my-brother-was-super-cute-when-he-was-young-LAH!, i realised that i did lose out to shon in the cutes department when i was younger. i strongly believe its cos i look more like pa. HAHAHAHA. aie, not that hes not good lookin, just that based on close inspection, mummy seems to be the one with the Cute features.

mummy, being as usual supportive and loving, said i was just as cute, and i waved the obligatory response off. then she went on: you were really cute! until... until you turned 10. 10 to 12 you were really ugly.

and my eyes widened in shock. never had she said such hurtful things! REALLY UGLY? (i agreed lah, but thats not my point.) i turned to look at her, and she, upon realising my confidence had been crushed under her merciless heel... said "my children are all good lookin."

which started a tennis-match of responses regarding ugly valane issue.

me: you just said i was ugly!
mum: no i mean that was your not-so-pretty period in your life.
me: you just said i was ugly!
mum: that period was your lowest point!
me: you just said i was ugly!

me being an uncreative tennis player, delivering the same attacks throughout.

and so she hit the ball into another court.

mum: shon also. dont know why you two were so..........

ROAR! hahaha.

2010-04-19T22:46:00.002+08:00

i love how the TV characters just say lines that reflect what i am going through. master shakespeare you are such a smart ass. cai shiya made me realise i dont want it anymore. because i realised how much i mean to you. but hey, im game for a tea anytime.
i have found new pleasure with umomo san. apparently he has an ass massaging function too. heh heh. so i am a massage machine flirt. because oto kun also is quite comforting.
i love 4b2. so irritating sometimes but so cute. i love the lit kids. no window moments for me yet.

2010-04-14T18:12:00.002+08:00

my inability to resist green things has led me to courageously pay for a bottle of premium milk green tea. the green words tempted me the most, of all the green in the packaging (and content). and i swiped it off the shelf along with my 3 cans of 100 plus. i thought maybe if the unstable teh keh see sucked, at least i have some reliable happy drink.

but i still dare not drink yet. im waiting for ning to come back from whatever she is doing now for the brave first sip.

yesterday i walked home to happy food. and i found myself looking back at all that had happened in the week that made me smile.

i smiled during dinner and jigen made me laugh uncontrollably when the waitress came to settle the bill. jigen backside.
i smiled when he called me and played his flawed canon in c. and his fake moonlight sonata.
i smiled during badminton when the shuttlecock hit her and later at dinner with new people.
i smiled when she made me a cup of mushroom soup with croutons.
i smiled when he wanted to leave the dessert place because the place smelt funny.
i smiled when she said "im going woff" and couldnt figure out how the 'w' slipped in.
i smiled when he failed to make me laugh.
i smiled when she had to whisper over the phone because she was at work.
i smiled when she was sheepish about forgetting her passport.
i smiled when he smiled, even though he was caught for something and sitting outside the office.
i smiled when they sang a song from march.
i smiled when she grinned and waved.
i smiled when he drove like a racer. haha.

and even though things dont seem to turn out the way they could have sometimes. :)

2010-04-09T17:19:00.004+08:00

i do not want to be that person who runs out at the beep of the phone, to collect a huge bag from you and walk back to put it near me. i do not want to be that person who sits at the side to watch you, just once a week. i dont like that extra letter in my label, but yet i know i dont have what it takes to not have that there. i wish i could call you my own. i wish i could make some decisions. yet again i know i am not able to. i would give all the badges i received over these short three years to hold you back, if that is what it takes. i would trade my space at the back of the stage for some time to sit with you. but did his sitting with you help? i want to look at your photo ten years later and smile because i know you are now living a normal but happy life.

i had been keeping it in and pretending it did not matter, but when she called, i lost it. when i walked in and heard people talk about you, it ached. i dont mean for you to climb into my skin, perhaps you will never understand what it feels like. perhaps this has become my life. then in fact this life has been in vain. i did not want to look through the glass, yet i could not help but do so. i was afraid i would be unable to act normally. i dont want to sigh because you are just another lost case. because you mean more to me than you think you do. because you have shaped part of my existence today. because we have walked the past three years together.

i hate my liminality and my limits. yet what could i have done anyway.

yet today i realised that these three years have been in vain. when he told me it probably was you. one of you... and i was just one of those you ceased to care about, when you did what you did. and it hurt. so much. to know that i have too fallen victim to your act. and all those years ive spent, glad to once again step into a familiar space, have been in vain. i wish it did not warrant the metal around your wrists. i wish you did not smile and laugh as you left. because it hurts. because it has never hurt so much.

2010-03-30T12:01:00.004+08:00

i never knew that daffodils were this pretty
then i crouched in their midst
in my city-dweller's attempt to take an artistic shot of nature
(with my trusty camera and its macro functions)

it is the craze, really.

i am ashamed that this realisation only hit me
after i had sprung from my pose and
rushed forward to see if the gadget had captured
me, at my best.

these days, we have tools
to help us in the collection of our memories.

but i am ashamed now, that i had missed the sweet song
that the beautiful flowers had tried to sing to me
this ingrate in their earnest company
had let the invitation to dance with them slip me by

they are, the same flowers that courted the appreciating poet
and now i am, as centuries apart from him apart from them.

2010-03-16T15:26:00.002+08:00

i wont lie, i am loving every bit of england so far. being in the place where the authors of the books i read back home lived... just adds that bit more flavour to everything. and i feel a little embarrassed that i should be attempting to even WRITE something in this very amazing place.

the tour guide, angela, took us to the window which changed her life. she was a teacher before she became a travel agent. was the HOD of the english department of her school... and she had gone, like me now, on a trip with her students to england. then she visited william wordsworth's home in rydal mount. then she looked out of the window from his room... and she decided that that was it. she was going to teach no more. she said it wasnt the teaching, but more of the life she wished to lead.

and i was eager to see what was beyond that window, what was the amazing sight that moved her to make that turn in her life...

but zhihao, eeliang and joy (and i cant remember who else in the midst of trying to push through) refused to let me near the window.

basket. but hey... it was a fuzzy feeling that hit me. i dont know what id do if they had escorted me to that window. bahh.

but when they moved on to the next room, to see dora's room (wordsworth's daughter) and all... i sneaked back in and i took in the sight... it was beautiful. to look beyond that window and the gorgeous greenery and lake... the cool air against my face... (this is the point where i recall wordsworth's ability to honour the daffodils and i think i shouldnt write anymore about the scenery for i will make the lake poets flip in their graves)... and i do want to see that again.

i dont know if i was tempted to go. but when i had the little lesson with my students on top of the garden, as we appreciated and appraised wordsworth's I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud, them just very obediently sitting there, closing their eyes, taking in the surroundings with the other senses... listening to zhihao's rendition of the poem, i realised that was quite my anchor. and it made me smile, to see them immersing in the moment. it made me glad that the trip was made possible... and that they got to do what i never got to.

but hey, life brings you little pleasures. im here now, arent i. perhaps not as a student, but still appreciating wordsworth's brilliance, bronte sisters' strength and intelligence amidst tough moments, shakespeare's wit and so many more... in my place as teacher this time.

2010-03-11T08:32:00.002+08:00

I wont lie that it still hurts... to hear of your life with someone else. Isn't this a case of pathetic over-estimation of my own abilities? When the huge project was planned to take place on the day it would, I was glad, because I knew I would be so busy that my mind would be taken off the pains that come with that date. But at the end of it I wondered what it would have been like to have you to share with me the joys of its completion.

2010-02-17T21:26:00.002+08:00

i am sorry i actually let it slip my mind. this very very important thought that has kept me going, i actually lost it for a while... until speaking to someone familiar today made me recall.

thank you atticus!

2010-01-26T11:56:00.003+08:00

i strongly believe the people around you determine your value. of course, the confident one would say that self-appreciation is most important. im basing this thought on my feelings at present, after being ruthlessly rejected by my dearest BT and JC.

i had wished BT a roaring victory for her volleyball boys and i said i would ROAR in the staff room to show her my support.

BT: im waiting leh.
me: i shy.
BT: wth
me: OKAY i roar.

so as not to shock JC, i told her that i was going to do something embarrassing. so she wont cast me a what-the-hell-are-you-doing look.

me: RAHHH!

and i tell you. aspire wong jumped okay. then they said i sounded like i was QUACKINGGGGGGGGGGG. hear my heart shatter. HEAR.

so painful. so unappreciated. tell a lion his roar sounds like a quack. i know im not a lion. but thats not the point.

and then elliot asked me what i had for breakfast and i said duck porridge and he said "hence the quack?" AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

"i see their knavery. this is to make an ass of me."

2010-01-09T15:29:00.002+08:00

i watched the meryl streep interview on ellen and found out theres a meryl streep day! haha. and i had a 0.001 taste of what it was like, when the lit kids did a miss tnee day hahaha. i spotted nothing out of the ordinary, until i saw yuwei's SHEEP BELT (which can double up as an underwear) and fion's VERY big mr strong card pasted on her shirt hahaha. AND JANICE LEE taped her shoes! ah! low blow! hahahaha. and gawd i have such ugly teaching poses. they are such cute shits.

4b2 has been very obedient in english class and i am happy! i hope i am not counting my chickens before they are hatched though. haha.

orighty first week is over. its about 30 something weeks to go before the end of this school year. HHAHA.

2010-01-04T02:16:00.003+08:00

if you havent heard, i have moved. am no longer living in bangkit road, which was home to me for the past ten years. i was horridly reluctant to move and resistant to change, such that i gathered all my defiant energy (okay lah not like it took me a lot to be defiant) and refused to pack HAHAHA. down to the last day i touched nothing. i tried feebly to push off the idea that i had to move. however, my mummy, possessing chilli padi qualities developed since her teenaged years, was determined not to let her stubborn and unaccommodating daughter affect her. she dumped my stuff into boxes and shipped them very quickly to the new place, and i saw the contents of my room slowly disappear.

it is very much like alzheimer's. like a crumbling of your memories, to see your room 'break down' before you. and someone packed your past into packets and put them elsewhere. of course i found again things i thought i had lost. (ironically i lost my hard disk drive in the packing and unpacking process.)

so i went to the new place and my jaw dropped. with putting off packing, i had put off visiting the new home. so when i went there i saw my punishment. my boxes were stuffed till i had no place to walk in my new room. and i had to push things aside to make some space for my daily respite, thankful that it was the holidays. with the packing and unpacking of the stuff, i saw things that made me laugh in all my despair and withdrawal from bangkit road.

for example:

"trophies. do not stag."

i giggled upon seeing that cute little note written lovingly by someone in the family i shall not name... and mummy looked at it with widened eyes and laughed as well.

thanks to a very good friend, my room started to form. and i have discovered things about this place that i have come to like. well for example, i am a bridge away from robertson quay! oh greatness! i take mini pride in that, even though that bridge, of which existence i am celebrating is the constant reminder that i am on the opposite end of the grace and glamour of robertson quay.
and of course, since i am such a drinker (as you will know me to be), i shall love robertson quay very well. but i love the um, river? body of water? and often imagine myself breaking into dance beside it, except when i wish to indulge in my 'emo' moments there would be someone else there squatting by the steps and looking at the ripples. or like a couple making out.

and i can walk to chinatown for yummy fish soup! the hawker centre beside my place has also reopened after some renovation. which is great too, except it closes way too early! i strolled out of my house, hoping to get some dinner at 830pm and the shops were all closed! (or in the words of dawnie, the clops were all shosed.) so early! there was nothing to eat! an uncanny resemblance to the school canteen.

now that im on level one, i hear the thomas the toad (i have named it, because i didnt want to sound crazy shouting "shut up!" when he croaks WAY TOO MUCH when it rains. i can at least pretend i was shouting at someone in the house if i go "shut up thomas!") and cats. that meow SO FIERCELY i have come to realise that they are actually mating. i mean, it sounds so painful. i wonder if the tabby cat actually enjoys it. or it is like being raped or something. or maybe it is the tom cat that is making the noise? well... i wouldnt want to know.

oh well it is 245am. school starts tomorrow.

thanks to mel, im kinda in love with MSND. :)

2009-12-13T22:22:00.002+08:00

mummy has been falling pretty often lately... she says the doctor mentioned some problem that aging people might face... and she says she probably has it. :(

shon and i went on a stroll with mummeh today and on our way back she wanted some ice cream so i bought her a cup and shon a grass jelly drink. then as we were walking up some step, she suddenly sprawled across the floor and it happened so quick i had no time to catch hold of her. and of all the times i heard her say that she fell, this time is the worst because i was just standing next to her and i couldnt help her! :(

as i was helping mummeh up i felt her arm and the feel of her skin reminded me of how it was like holding ah poh. i tend to forget, as i am growing older, so is she.

2009-12-08T01:19:00.006+08:00

a trip to katong found me this old lady, her husband and their daughter tending to this family shop at some street. i had walked in looking for bottled coca cola for the musical next year, which would be set in the 1970s. and the daughter, seeing my interest in the beer glasses, guessed that i was looking for old stuff. she happily brought me around the corner to see her mother's collection of old things and it was a great joy to witness someone's happy hobby!

the cute old lady had a collection of old glasses all the way back in the 1950s. sitting among the glassware were GREEN SPOT glasses and old F&N glasses. her personal collection. seeing my interest in her items, she actually offered to sell them to me! i felt really bad because she had kept them with her for so long. but she kindly offered to sell. i kept asking her daughter if it was alright. she said if she wants to sell then just buy lor.

shes soooooooooooooooo cute. i still feel very bad. what if she regrets it now? her daughter said she has moods. sometimes she will not even entertain anything. but today she actually agreed to sell her items.

its quite upsetting how we hardly have anything to remind us of what happened before. with this moving theyve thrown out so many things. im not quite the forgetter of things past, and still wonder how some people can do it so easily... but i see myself as an old lady, every now and then gazing at my cupboards of funny collections and guarding the key a little more fiercely than the cute old lady today. maybe ill own a little shop, and will display my items.

sorry i aint going to sell anything. as much as i believe in 'pay it forward'.

2009-11-22T14:44:00.001+08:00

i am made to leave when i never wanted to. :(

2009-11-05T23:49:00.001+08:00

it is not easy to see what was everything to me the past ten years slowly being removed. byebye house...

2009-10-31T17:57:00.003+08:00

my daddy seems somewhat disturbed that i have absolutely no love and care for my brother.

today's rehearsal was not the best, but OK lah. everyone was cooperative and it made work much easier.

then i made ning er wait for me really long, because there was a need to have a meeting after concert rehearsal today. the poor thing was waiting outside and chatting with purple flower who insists that she is a great entertainer and i should treat her for entertaining her.

anyway we zoomed to haato for some lurrrveeeee. hahaha. good food! :D the aglio olio cheered me up and i dabaoed some hazelnut and cappucino gelato to reward myself for the day's work. not that i did anything worth rewarding, but aiyah i just needed an excuse to pig out.

so i got home with my loot and stored it in the fridge. after a good bath i came out and decided to be a BIT nice and offer daddy some. there's a danger in being nice. the last time i let him know that i had a BAG. a freaking BAG of my coconut chocolates in the fridge and the next day only ONE was left. SO BU YAO LIAN i cannot stand it. anyway, daddy being the daddy that always sayangs his son, asked "you giving shon some?"

and my reply was so curt it was almost spat out "NO."

me: i am not sharing with anyone. i am just feeling very generous now so you get two scoops.

and daddy has a look of shock and he looks appalled at how much i do not love my brother and am not willing to share my hazelnut gelato. because he knows that mummy will definitely get a taste of it. so only vashon will not.

but i dont care. its hazelnut gelato from haato.

follow your heart.

2009-10-26T23:49:00.002+08:00

today has been FECTIC. thats F... okay FREAKING hectic for me. i cant remember when i actually sat down properly to rest. rushed about for NT concert rehearsal, then rushed back to school then dashed down to kallang to play yet another lost battle. hahhaa... except today's wasnt that bad even though we lost terribly. it was rather fun, the people are nice. i think i probably came across as an annoying person because when some kid of some player in the opposite team shouted "YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!" and clapped... when they scored (well non-stop), i broke into a "YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!" and mad clapping myself. sometimes i really wonder why i am unable to control myself from being so kookoo. but i seriously found the kid cute. i just... aiyah i dont know.

maybe thats why i got myself on (throw)facebook two days back and had to desperately save whatever was left of my dignity.

mummy just very sweetly bought me 100 plus to keep me going tomorrow.

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED KAY TEE WEEEEEEEE.

lit fest was fun. :) i feel bad for not being able to make it fun for everyone... but i was proud of the performances that were put up. :) loved hearing teachers point out that this student, that student can act! because it meant that the audience was enjoying themselves and thats the best thing i guess.

i particularly liked the china play when the music came in. hahahaa. cant stop gushing about it.
i just really love the song.

am very happy with the students for stepping up to it. :)

YAY. i wanna be freeeeeeeeeeeee!

say phyllis quek! freeeeeeeeeeeedum na na na na freeeeeeedum.

2009-10-10T13:47:00.002+08:00

many things happened this past week... i feel quite like a boomerang that is being released from some comfort zone, flying into the wilderness hahaha, and coming back again now i am back to rest.
monday's incident left me feeling so disappointed that i found it very difficult to face people i hold so dear. then the other days followed and soon enough, they picked me back up. such episodes really do sift out those who care. sometimes i feel like i really want to run away. i have been told not to expect. and yes, that is the way i should be leading my life. i cannot imagine reducing the amount of space around us and i have to be physically even closer to you. i cannot imagine not having my own breathing space, no walls between us especially me, me who is such a lunatic who needs my own sanctuary. i need my cell. i wonder why you try to portray yourself to be a different person when we are not alone. i wonder why i miss. i miss the writings i had in my phone. i miss the messages i have kept since long ago, messages that are my sanity and remind me why i am still doing what i am. damn you.

2009-09-19T00:25:00.002+08:00

so i met sar, gao and weiloon at botak jones for dinner today. was very happy when sar suggested it, because i had plans to go and visit the tissue paper auntie there already.

i plonked myself into a seat that was facing the posb atm, so i kept turning every now and then to look behind me to see if the auntie had arrived at the coffeeshop. felt very sad when i did not see her! i kept turning until the others offered to help me lookout for her. and they said i was starting to make the people in the coffeeshop uncomfortable as i kept turning to look in their direction.

finally, about 2 hours later... SHE CAME! and gao noted that i broke into such a smile that he thinks there is something wrong with me. but i was so happy! dug out coins to buy tissue from her and sar bought too. then weiloon got influenced and gao got forced into buying too. so we ended up with 9 packets of tissue. hawhaw. but i was happy. cant stand those people who ignore her when she is trying to sell them tissue. LOOK OUT FOR KARMA! YOU ASSHOLES!

2009-09-06T20:00:00.001+08:00

the power of PMS is really scary. it makes you feel ridiculously suicidal and it might drive you to do the stupidest things.

2009-09-06T16:03:00.002+08:00

come here girl, why don't you try this on?
it's a gorgeous dark blue hat you will put on your head
never mind if it does not fit, let your worries be gone
remember itll be fine, remember this that ive said

but you lied.

then the people around pointed at the girl
and they laughed at how stupid she seemed
she was out of place in their selfish world
and some of them just watched on and beamed

with glee because "thank goodness its not me"
i have a nice little cap that sits snug on my head
and the desperation of that little girl they cannot see
how she yearns for a better hat for her be made.

2009-08-23T17:00:00.003+08:00

we are capella.

atticus stood his ground and fought his losing battle. there's no reason for him not to try to win, not even when the outcome is known before the process even kicked off. even when the whole town stayed in their houses to leave him to raise his gun against the rabid dog. he still brought the rifle to his shoulder and took aim.

watching all the while, knowing that the gun was empty.

even when the city disappoints, and dawn fails to bring light to the barren land, i will remember to see it through no matter what.

i am disappointed that the coming few will not get the chance to know this book as deeply.

the morning sun is peeking from the horizon. but the sun is on the opposite side of the river. we are capella.

2009-08-13T21:40:00.005+08:00

mummy just came into the room and told me about uncle sam's passing. and now i am feeling my cheeks slightly burning and i feel funny inside. i remember uncle sam as a big sized man (maybe thats just because i was little at that time) with thick moustache. i remembered he carried me and took pictures. and i felt a sudden urge to go dig out the old photographs to catch a glimpse of that man, my dad's good friend.

mummy is very affected by it, i can tell. because she feels very bad that she had the intention to go and visit him. he always thought my mum was a very nice woman. but she did not because she had to clear the house for a viewing.

i told mummy i know how that feels. because that happened to me... twice. i cant believe i let it happen twice. i guess these things point out how selfish a person i am. now if i could turn back the clock, i would definitely go visit ah gong the day before he passed on. and i would have given ah poh a hug when gold urged me to.

goodbye uncle sam, i hope you are in a better place now.

2009-08-09T20:30:00.003+08:00

WAAAOOOOWWWWW.

I don't know if it was just me being overly emotional (maybe it is lah) I was so overwhelmed while reciting the pledge at 8.22pm! I actually felt damn touched that the whole of Singapore was encouraged to say those lines like they mean it.

2009-08-09T17:49:00.003+08:00

to whom it may concern,

i am going to run away. i cannot stand how your vibrato invades my space, swarms around my head and overtakes my thoughts. i need that space to think, and now i cannot breathe.

and i want to be valane. not tnee. just valane.

even if it is just for that few minutes.

2009-07-06T13:54:00.003+08:00

prison break - episode three.

it's my wisdom tooth's third year anniversary since its escape from the hell hole (my mouth) and i am celebrating it by getting its brother to join it. last year it's sister joined it in its freedom.

maybe for teeth, the july-august period is the time when they desire independence the most. it is funny how WT no.3 gained its independence on 4th july, and WT no.1 gained its one around 9th august.

the dentist this time is not the same as the previous, who performed the other two (rescue) operations. this one was younger and chattier and rather annoying.

dentist: im going to inject you with the anesthesia. if it hurts, dont kick. if things break you pay.
me: that's not a problem because i react with my hands so you better watch your face.
dentist: mai aneh lah... i very pai mia you know. i know im quite expensive lah.

and later after the injection i started to tear.

dentist: aiyoh i know its a very touching moment you dont need to tear.
me: i cant help it, im so touched by the good job you did.

dentist: okay now im going to do a sadistic test.
me: what makes it sadistic? (already slurring because of the effect of the numbing)
dentist: youll find out soon enough.

and he puts this metal instrument into my mouth.

dentist: okay done. this was what was poking you.

and he shows me this extremely sharp object.

dentist: that is the end of the uneventful extraction. i feel no sense of accomplishment whatsoever.

i couldnt be bothered to reply.

dentist: so do you need MC? for these two days?
me: no. will i be able to talk properly by tuesday?
dentist: you can talk now even.
me: i realised. had to ask cos i talk a lot.
dentist: i can see that.

piece of shit. haha.

2009-06-22T02:50:00.003+08:00

okay i must admit i have been really really hooked to this... um... (to call it game would make me seem so juvenile right...) well this... um... business training course. bahahaha!

when i was introduced to the training course much earlier, i stuck my nose in the air and said "no. i refuse. i am loyal to pet society." now i think my poor pretzel (pretzel is my green rabbit and it is a SHE. a SHE! not a HE! rawr.) is crawling on the floor with two flies as her permanent friends. so. now i have a restaurant to run, sorry if i do not reply you (whether in person, MSN or SMS). hahaha.

so the restaurant is called PEACH BLOSSOMS! 桃花朵朵开? haha. thanks to the generous donations by my moos, i had a good headstart. and it helps that every other student who is on facebook is playing that game. dawn said she was a bit 走火入魔... because she was RESEARCHING on restaurant outlooks. i thought i was bad enough when i thought "hey! five stars!" when i saw dragonfruits lying in a basket in the market.

i love it how we can choose our own hair and eyes and clothes... but it is also because of that that my chinese restaurant has a purple-haired dawn with an upside down underwear on her head. haha okay okay the wonderwoman hat. and a cyan-haired goldie with a scar on her face. like i said, i think i hired two ah lians as chefs!

i love how i so diligently am cleaning the toilet bowls.

2009-06-10T01:05:00.002+08:00

i am sure he had no intention to harm, when he took the shovel and walked me to the spot marked 'X'. i am sure he had no idea, or perhaps he did not bother to think ahead and consider the consequences when the shovel first hit the soil. as the soil leaped from that spot past my face to a growing heap not too far off 'X', i started to panic. i dared not do it. i tried to back out... but they assured me that we would be fine. i would have aid.

and so i believed them... and soon enough i was standing before a pit. he did not pave a way; he dug a pit. before i knew it, i was shoved into that pit. from above i saw the figure leave. he had a name... that to me was once so dear, but that moment when he left, silently, he was reduced to a retreating figure.

i am sure he had no intention to harm. but i am now covered with multiple bruises trying to climb out of this hole. my fingers bleed because i have no tools to get me out. but my heart bleeds more because i did not get the help i was promised.

why do you promise when you know you are unable to keep it? what do those words mean to you? just to shake me off for that moment? or are they just uttered to give me a moment's assurance? dont you know that untreated wounds turn into scars that mar a person for life?

where are you..?

one day i will get out. but when i finally do, my eyes would see different pictures from the lack of light for the many years i was in there.

2009-06-07T11:18:00.002+08:00

aesthetics concert was amazing and i was glad to be part of it. so many 3b2s were in it! :) i guess the class is not so much into sports eh. am proud of the emcees... they salvaged so many situations heh. working with the aesthetics teachers was fun... :) theyre a miracle creating bunch. and the dances! woohoo! i love! choir did well that day... if only the bubbles could reach the middle! sar said the aesthetic groups standards have improved greatly. thats great! now i shall scheme to get the video of the syf dance performances...

2009-05-24T10:17:00.007+08:00

i realise the power of words
they are truly stronger than swords
a physical pain i can handle and heal
the vicious is the verbal assault

i am thankful that my lit classes have been really great so far. the previous batch and this batch! i can only hope there will still be more to come! thanks guys for the weirdo candle, strudel and remotes and the im-so-upset-i-need-counselling surprise...

and gawsh CT's got talent. haha. thanks for the two songs and the prezzehs. :D you wait. i will figure out how to upload ON ASK AND LEARN BAAHAHHAHA.

*

my form class has been such a sweet sweet class. i wonder why is it it seems that only the CP and i see it. or why is it they only behave well in our classes. well, they are not always good in my class lah. but manageable. i have been told too many times that i cannot handle this class and that i am partially the reason why theyre so out of hand today. that i have made work difficult for others. and i guess perhaps they are right... sometimes.

maybe they have removed my glasses and i cannot see them clearly. or maybe they have constantly removed my glasses and wiped them clean. such that i dont look upon them with tinted glasses. sometimes i do sit back and wonder what it would have been like if i had a class with no discipline problems. the only focus is to work hard for studies and perhaps once in a while a squabble or two between friends. imagine that relief! i dont have to deal with so many things... that have been coming my way since i stepped into the school. but no matter what, it is a fact and there must be a reason why i am the one to see them through till sec 3. i guess this year is my last. one thing i am clear... that i will not give this class up for the supposedly better classes out there. because nothing has been sweeter than that strawberry cheesecake ice-cream and that box of green surprises in the class cupboard.

so heck with their words.

2009-05-05T09:58:00.002+08:00

mummy steals my thunder every year... but its definitely worth it. :)

it really amazes me how much a mother can give up for her children. but it also makes me shudder at how children can just treat their mothers horridly. that is, they dont put their mothers before themselves.

2009-05-03T17:08:00.002+08:00

im a little excited about the shows that are going to be on TV. i think even if zoe tay and li nan xing were to film some gambling show 10 years later i will still tune in with anticipation. AND OMG. thats jeanette aw and christopher lee in some period drama! i had always wanted to see the both of them in a period drama acting opposite each other. yay.

the long weekend is a much-deserved break. but i had to transform into a sneezebag. which is annoying. shuhui made me buy a flu-virus killing dettol spray which i have been using too much.

i think the star awards was very interesting. i thought it was rather embarrassing that some of the stars did not seem to thank the award presenters. :) at the point where you dont have a script, the real characters show... and some of them are really heartwarming to watch. some are just proud eh.

2009-04-08T23:45:00.002+08:00

it is hard to walk around these days because the ground is full of litter. people do not realise they are dirtying the floor with things that are really meant to be elsewhere.

im going to blabber.

i was just recalling a show i had watched long ago... called pay it forward. and i was wondering, in doing a selfless act like giving before receiving, and hoping that it will go on from there... is it really true, like what debra said... selfish to an extent? is every selfless act built from selfish platforms?

today i went to botak jones coffeeshop. because the first time i met the tissue paper auntie there, i felt so bad for her when i saw her take the leftover food from tables, that i told myself i will come back and buy tissue from her whenever i can. and i went back soon after and bought some more. she returned my supposed kindness in her little ways. she asked for my 10 packets of tissue, and gave me a plastic wrapper. when i looked back at the bag the next day, i realised there were 11 packets in there. she had slipped another one in.

today she gave me a bag of chicken rice. after i bought 6 bucks worth of tissue from her and her art pieces. she said children can do colouring. and she was only selling it for 30 cents. so i bought 20 of them from her. she insisted on giving me something in return. and i got the rice. i dont know what to do with the rice. i feel bad for not eating it, but i really dare not eat after my horrible diarrhoeathon not long ago.

i dont know what i am feeling now. i hate it when people ignore the old aunties when all theyre doing is try to sell tissue. if you dont want it, just say no thank you. rude asses.

whats up with people these days? what is it we want, really?

hey, isnt that your heart on the floor?

2009-03-31T22:00:00.002+08:00

BAILIFF: All rise for the court of the honourable Judge Body.

Judge Body walks in and places the file on the table. She climbs into the seat and smiles.
People start sitting.

BAILIFF: The state is pressing charges against Green Bean Soup, for the murder of Valane Tnee's ass. The prosecuting lawyer is none other than Miss Valane Tnee herself, or rather, whatever is left of her. The defence lawyer is Miss Janice Soh, who feels indignant and appalled that such a charge should be placed on such a sweet thing like Green Bean Soup.

JUDGE BODY: You may begin.

Valane Tnee nods and gets up from her seat with much difficulty. She walks over to Green Bean Soup.

PROSECUTOR: Where were you on the morning of 30th March 2009?

GREEN BEAN SOUP: In... in the pot.

PROSECUTOR: Which pot.

GREEN BEAN SOUP: The left pot placed on the counter of the dessert stall ma'am...

PROSECUTOR: Wait a minute Green Bean. Is it your left facing the customer or the left looking the same way you were?

GREEN BEAN SOUP: Uhh, that would make it the right. Facing the customer.

PROSECUTOR: Were you prepared in the same way as you did every day?

GREEN BEAN SOUP: Yes ma'am... the lady usually puts three tablespoonfuls of sugar, two bags of green beans and-

PROSECUTOR: I don't need the recipe. So tell me. Did you bathe?

DEFENCE: OBJECTION YOUR HONOUR! This is a personal question that my client need not answer.

PROSECUTOR: Green Bean Soup's hygiene is a pressing concern in this murder case.

JUDGE: Objection overruled.

PROSECUTOR: Did you bathe?

GREEN BEAN SOUP: I did... five times usually. The lady makes sure I am clean and squeaky.

PROSECUTOR: Clean and squeaky? I smell a rat. Why was there a need to bathe you so many times? Does this happen every day? You said usually... what happened this time?

GREEN BEAN SOUP: This time she bathed me only four. But I was already clean by then.

DEFENCE: Objection Your Honour! Green Beans only need to be bathed twice. The lady has already done more than needed.

PROSECTOR: I have no more questions.

DEFENCE: Green Bean... was everything else clear?

GREEN BEAN SOUP: I'm sorry ma'am, what do you mean?

DEFENCE: Were the bowls used to contain you washed?

GREEN BEAN SOUP: Yes ma'am. That she washed twice.

DEFENCE: No more questions Your Honour.

*

JUDGE: You may now deliver the closing statements.

PROSECUTOR: Gentlemen, I shall be brief. My rear died. "In the name of God, do your duty".

DEFENCE: The state has not produced one iota of medical evidence, that the crime charged on Green Bean Soup actually did take place! It has instead relied largely on the unstable evidence provided by the prosecutor herself. True, there was a case of murder. Was it Green Bean Soup, the Blue Spot on the Stewed Egg, A-Little-Too-Hard Herbal Chicken Soup or just a case of extremely weak intestines on protest? The victim herself is not sure. Gentlemen, Green Bean Soup is innocent.

-

2009-03-23T16:45:00.004+08:00

the flurry of faces and splatter of colours
whizzing past and the chance meets
of fast-footed people with no footing
their spotted minds and tainted hearts

he remains the same but she has changed
because she allows it to happen to her.
she lets herself go under the name of modernity
but that word she has mistaken and misused.

for an equality of the sexes she gives her sex
to gain that respect she loses respect
the middle name of woman is paradox
in finding herself she loses herself.

the papers bear a parent's fear
the websites slap an appalling truth
the codes of men and women have blurred
we have no need for them anymore.

a blowjob on the beach
just a delighted cocktale
videos of love dont mean the same anymore.
who is she to blame when they surface?

he remains the same but she has changed
because she allows it to happen to her.

2009-03-20T21:20:00.002+08:00

mrs muffins took the piping hot butter cake out of the oven and i licked my lips in great anticipation, immediately hooked by the fragrance.

i scrambled after her, climbed up the tall chair and sat myself right in front of the cake. she had placed it on the table and was wiping her hands with her apron.

"the most perfect part, would be the butter cream. it will go perfect with this. the silky rich cream should be spread on top of the cake."

i nodded excitedly. but she put the knife in front of me.

"no cream for you. this is the furthest you can ever go. eating it with the cream is impossible."

and with that my dream was crushed. i had no more aim.

2009-03-14T22:51:00.002+08:00

the songs are stuck in my head... the smiles on the faces keep replaying. :) mrs dubose's attitude has such a great impact on me. i have learnt much. we started preparing for this since november and it has been a long 4 months. I remember handing brandon his script the day we had the Literature 'O' Levels. that was like 7th november! and he saw his long long lines and went OMG. but he did excellently last night and i am so so proud. of each and everyone of them. brandon, minwei, janice, zhihao, annabel, grace, jasvinder, yvonne, peiling, yingting, guowei, darrin, asief, faaruq, dayna, eeliang, clarissa, fion, vivi, yongwei, zach, nahin, wilson, kerri, koh feng... thank you all so so much for making last night such a beautiful one. thank you friends and family who was there to share that joy with me. what happened last night will remain permanently in my mind. i hope it brought you guys fun... it brought me lots. :) we were not perfect, but i thought we were still great! :)

i feel support is really needed for such things and i really appreciate those people who stood by us in different ways.

the stage last night was a platform for us to reach out for our dreams. to those who may never perform again, i hope TKMB served you well!

thank you all who came down to watch... buy a hotdog bun, a snapple, some flowers, brownies and cupcakes!

thank you to my dearest 3B2 kids hairul, cindy, taufiq, kin chung, marcus, drizzle, sabrina, shi lei. and lester... :) sorry you saw that very kan cheong side of me! you guys were great.

im suffering from post-production blues. im still, very very proud of everyone of you. :)

"You rarely win, but sometimes you do." says Atticus.

2009-03-04T10:54:00.000+08:00

but if i climbed into your skin and i still didnt understand why you behaved the way you did, then i think i have the right to be pissed at you.

as i was driving out of ESSO last night, these three words flashed across my mind - pay it forward.

it reminded me of the cute little auntie at botak jones that sells tissue and secretly put in another packet because she felt bad that i had bought so many tissues from her.
it reminded me of the cute esso uncle who felt so bad for not helping me hit $50 so that i can save $3 from the coupons.

2009-02-12T20:12:00.000+08:00

i dont know why, but i find the two of them very annoying. i admire my mum.

2009-02-10T19:13:00.003+08:00

i recently realised that i have married my table and i have forgotten when last i returned home early! i should stick to the resolution i set for myself last year. this year has been OK to me so far... but i dont know why i feel a certain void somehow.

*

He has dipped his paintbrush into a different palette
And upon this new canvas are now deeper strokes
But I am not used to the sudden bolder use of colours
And my heart aches for yesterday's pure sepia...

Like the colour of a faded photograph.

2009-02-04T09:13:00.001+08:00

i am food poisoned. the stomach hurts so bad that i think i am the new hunchback of notre dame.

2009-02-03T23:27:00.002+08:00

dear eve,

i am a witness of your life in crumbles, and your endless struggle to climb out of the debris. i see him not only ceasing to extend a hand, so that you may, the two of you, seek to meet some sunlight... but instead shoving you deeper into the mess. i understand how suffocating it must be, that if i should abhor being surrounded you should be disgusted too, for only being able to deliver such.

when you were 21, did you expect your life to be this way?

i would tell you to shut all out, but your kind nature is your downfall.

he disgusts me as much as i should and do love.

dear eve,

this is my promise. i will go all out to help you.

2009-02-03T23:21:00.001+08:00

绝对。

2009-01-12T00:04:00.003+08:00

cos a friend from the US (a fun girl i met when i toured beijing last year) is over in singapore, i have been spending time with her and today gold and her and i went to sentosa (YES BRAVING THE MERLION and his minions in the souvenir shops).

it was interesting i must say, visiting the images of singapore and learning more about fort siloso. i had always wanted to go in there, but the fear for mr half-lion-half-fish usually gets the better of me and i decide to remain in mainland singapore, confining the historical experience to my history textbook.

it was really quite cool to walk through singapore's history!

and so with such a fun day, i would say that this is the most exciting 11th january of my life (so far) also due to the following reasons:

1. O levels results release tomorrow (i will see how i sleep tonight)
2. LITTLE NYONYA 3-MINUTE SPESHUL.

of which number two was a SHOCKER. i mean, this is really a special.

i cant believe i actually da-bao-ded my dinner and WAITED till the special moment, refusing to start eating during the variety show that came before and sat frozen in front of the screen.

only to see yueniang and chen xi STILL NOT TOGETHER and them breaking out of their ROLES and thanking the audience for watching their show. what are we? fools?

technically, it was not even a 3 minute special on LITTLE NYONYA. cos for half of that short time, it was JEANETTE AW and QI YU WU talking. not YUE NIANG AND CHEN XI! (not that its a bad thing, but just very very disappointing.)

i guess if the scriptwriter's aim is to show us that life's like that, then yeah well... life IS like that. dont hope so much... cos after one fall comes another one even harder, and you wish you never had a second chance.

which really makes me wonder, why didnt they treasure the second chance and deliver once more, this kind of blow?

but i do understand the persistence of a writer, that you mean for a story to end this way, and you choose not to conform to society's wants (even NEEDS). you are loyal to your pen. that i admire. but if it is for entertainment, isnt it supposed to entertain?

i mean, louis cha (jin yong) reunited xiao long nu and yang guo when his friends voiced that they really wished for them to be together what.

2008-12-31T21:58:00.003+08:00

i dont deny im a fan of little nyonya.

like how certain actors and actresses are very sensitive to their lines and they can carry out the flavour... like joanne peh and jeanette aw.

cant stand how the english educated robert zhang cant even speak properly. only yuzhu seemed to have lived in england. robert zhang and yueniang should change tongues when theyre speaking english.

i think other than yuzhu who has a very very very very sad life... the other one would be chen sheng. he led his life loving a woman he never got to be with because of his status and that woman never really did love him in return. he sought little pleasures in life and hid that love for her deep inside him. and then today he die. basket! didnt even get to eat yueniang's cooking!

ugh. annoying. i think pierre png acted quite well.

2008-12-31T15:51:00.002+08:00

31 december is always the day to start listing pages long of stuff you mean to do starting "TOMORROW" (cos its really the new year). but the effects are different.

like if you said "DIET STARTS NEXT YEAR" on 31 dec... yeah ok good luck.

yup its on my list again. lose weight.

after today the 2008 page will turn and everything that happened this year will be last year. like, my first O level exam will be last year. my first lit class will be last year. my year before quarter life crisis will be last year. my 2b2 will be last year but hey! 3b2 next year. :)

is 31 december liminal?

2008 taught me what love can make people do. it is scary.

''foolish" is the key word of the year. it woke me. pots and kettles black alike.

2008-12-08T11:29:00.003+08:00

i must say this trip to Hong Kong (what??? v youre in HK again??) is very different from the previous ones. i guess its because this time i took mummy and shon along to try the local delicacies and experience winter here! mai dong xi chi dong xi mai dong xi chi dong xi. but of course such family joy comes with a price. im going to go back to singapore a poor shat. not that i previously was not.

i realised since the second time i came here, that i feel very different each time i am here. and you wonder why i spend my extra money going to the land of milkteas again and again. why not try taiwan man. or like maybe... vietnam.

but i like leh.

and this time round i actually feel like i want to live here. but then again i realise it can be the delusional cold weather. i need to remind myself that in summer... HK is about as hot as singapore. and the jackets i am donning now will be in the cupboard too. (YAH BUT THEY SEE LIGHT!) haha. and im pretty sure if i lived here i will be fat pig. no. i mean fatter pig. and i met up with colleagues in HK! hahaha... as if we dont see enough of each other in CTSS. but its kinda fun seeing everyone in jackets. wahaha. not a common sight hello. unless we turn the aircon damn low in the staff room perhaps. but its seeing them without the three lines between the eyebrows. looking happy with the paper bags of loot. hahaha. iris crosses the road damn cool. shes the queen. i stand at the road side staring at the the cars like they are going to eat me and she says: "cross road?" i nod. and she "orh." and walks across as the cars are coming hahaha. damn cool some more.

bu kui shi iris. and we waddle after her.

so i trace the food i have eaten:
to sound a little more like the menus i have seen here, they are translated.

1. smooth egg barbecued pork rice (hua dan cha shao fan)
2. chicken chop scoop ding (ji pa lao ding) WAH THIS IS DAMN YUMMY.
3. fish dumpling noodles (yu jiao mian) x 10 VERY DANGEROUS. NEAR HOME. EAT MANY MANY.
4. chocolate egg milk (zhu gu li dan nai)
5. pork chop bun (zhu pa bao)
6. dot heart (dim summmmmmmmmmmm)

i wonder why the skin of the baos here still remain so soft and so yummeh even though its been left out in the open for more than a period of time. why does the bao skin in singapore fail to withstand the attacks of the surrounding air? haha and i remember thinking to myself if that is reflective of me. like if you were to compare me and gina, i think she can tahan the outside world much better than muah.

one thing unpleasant though. but its made me appreciate singaporean taxi drivers :) theyre all kinda grumpy. but at least we understand when theyre mumbling under their breath ahaha.

ill be back to haunt.

2008-12-03T01:43:00.002+08:00

she drove away from home, down the empty roads in the middle of the night. the barren tarred grounds before her did not tempt her to drive beyond the 80km/h limit. it was just not her to speed. she didnt like to speed.

she enjoyed being on the roads in her little pride... but she fluctuated between hating her plight and loving the prize.

her right hand held the steering wheel loosely as her left picked a song that she felt like listening to. tears brimmed her eyes, threatening to fall. 绝对. on replay.

the guiding light.

last november she promised herself two things, and this november she failed herself on one.

2008-11-10T17:04:00.003+08:00

WAH SERIOUSLY IM SO FREAKING ANNOYED AND PI**ED WITH THIS STUPID PERSON THAT I WANT TO THROW THINGS AT HIM.

IF I HADNT WALKED OFF I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN INTO A FIGHT ROARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! ROARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY LAH. LEARN TO SPEAK TO PEOPLE PROPERLY. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE MAN.

I WILL WRITE YOUR NAME ON A HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE PIECE OF PAPER AND THROW IN THE DIRECTION OF WEST.

2008-11-07T09:01:00.003+08:00

i think this week transformed me into a motherly freak. no intention to rhyme. whats with shopping for groceries to make sandwiches then packing them into nice neat boxes. haa i feel i added 20 years to my 2 chinese cycles.

drove like a mad woman to school today... a little too late to send the sec 4s in for the paper but i lurked outside like at 8 and at 845 hoping that a nagging presence will nag them into moving on to the next question ahaha. anxiety kills. but im sure theyll be super. :)

2008-10-24T22:09:00.003+08:00

haa, i have succumbed to illness. its almost the whole package - sore throat, fever, flu, itchy ears and runaway nose. the cough will come soon. i can feel it. yikes.

just one more proof that im no longer the BOINGGG! valane and i collapse much easier than the past.

school has ended... :) i wonder what it will be like next year, in the new place, with new faces, missing old ones... aie.

2008-10-22T09:41:00.003+08:00

i am tired.

survived the 'heong week', a mad rush of looking for props and costumes and planning and rehearsals for the NT concert with caroline... i am a last minute addition. threw myself into everything, experienced the true meaning of 豁出去了 and tried my best to get to know the performers well enough to work as stage manager for the concert on friday. i wont say i have succeeded, but i have definitely gotten to realise that most of these kids are really rather adorable. i just lack the ability and the face to discipline. had a taste of incompatible condiments for the dish and i am glad this is over, but i am glad for the experience.

then came the very colourful lit fest. :) i am very grateful for the literature team, and like what jeff said, we work rather well together, the 6 of us. sported a captain hook costume that baked my brains out of me. the theatre babes were amazing! i was so worried because i couldnt find time to rehearse with them, but theyre great. i heard qiyi stress her "PER-MA-NENTLY" and that cracked me up. haha.

so yesterday was supposed to be my COLLAPSE DAY but i extended it because mrs chua wanted to recce the new room for alumni in the new old school. so i had planned for it to be today but the other two netball teachers told me to take over because they cant make it! ah! i need to collapse soon. english paper is over. lit soon. ah ah ah ah ah ah ah.

deh!

seriously, dont annoy me. pathetic enough.

2008-10-05T12:10:00.003+08:00

had a nice little outing with mummy yesterday, caught mamma mia! and hawhaw... it was GOOD! hhahaha... very entertaining lah. meryl streep is... SO amazing. her voice is SO good. hahaha... aye im running out of words. pierce brosnan is so handsome. but the singing...

so there was one part of the show where meryl streep looks at her daughter and sings about how she is slowly slipping away (cos shes getting married and all...) AW. fuzzy. :)

and i found a palm top. but cos ive got INTEGRITY i returned it.

2008-09-29T16:54:00.002+08:00

its all about climbing into skins and walking around in them.

anchee min is such an amazing writer i cant believe i took a break from the book. now to get part two. going on my qing dynasty craze i have been reading EMPRESS ORCHID (yeah i kinda started ages ago and am only continuing it now)... left the last three pages because i dont want it to end! its the lisar and her TVB show moment.

its all about closing the book and embracing The End.

ive spilt tea on my table twice in a row just as i was rushing out of school. the door of the cupboard above me landed mercilessly on my unsuspecting cheek just now and i am bruised. i am starting to feel a little giddy even though the brain wasnt affected.

its all about how you think you are but you are not. and how some parts just dont link.

20 odd days to the papers and everybody is starting to feel it. i can see it in the expressions. remember how the surroundings can manifest the feelings? yaw its about to rain. hang in there yall.

its all about seeing it through no matter what.

you guys arent atticus, its not a lost battle! there are other things to fight for. sometimes you wonder whether its just you, or people are just insensitive. played modified netball today and everybody was running around like a mad shit. and when someone falls... who are the ones who turn?

its all about wisdom and selection.

and when someone rambles... what is it that is plaguing the mind? when someone acts... what is it that drives? (not hamilton). when someone reacts... what is it that invites?

its all about you?

wait, no.

dont think so highly of yourself.

yeah, thats what its all about.

2008-09-25T10:31:00.003+08:00

i have been dealing with the senseless slaughter of songbirds so much that i realise how much dear lee has done to me. revisiting this volume of life lessons after an eight year hiatus, i am touched by her magnificent capturing of humanity (or the lack of it) and how much she has taught me via atticus.

and you wonder why i keep talking about this book. if i were to ever have children, ill get them to read it. even if they dont ever intend to follow mummy's footsteps. i would read to them every night about this amazing tale of scout and her elder brother jem, if i could help it. for now i will just pester pregnant friends and perhaps recite a line or two when they walk by... so their kid will absorb the goodness of it! hahaha.

thanks to lee, atticus says "you will never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view. until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." and it hit me recently, that this quote is really what will contribute to a better me. (i wanted to say 'a better place' but that would make it sound too 'miss worldish' and before you can point a finger at others, take a freaking look at yourself). things out there will serve to blind people. and they will end up a lula, a bob ewell, a mayella ewell.

like how benjamin hoff says there is a pooh, a piglet and an eeyore in everyone... (right?) i think there are pitiful characters in everybody's lives. be it in themselves or around them. i think at some point, i am mayella. at some point i am tom robinson. at some point i am boo radley.

(although some are permanently boo) if you are a lit student reading this page, STOP HERE. ramblings will confuse you.

i think you are bob ewell. you know, although mayella ewell must have been the loneliest person in the world, she had a chance to reunite with herself, she had a chance to reconcile with mayella. she was able to realise somehow, that she needed someone there. but she is sad. because she knew she had a void, but her defences came up, disallowing salvation. further securing the void in her. nevertheless, she knew.

bob ewell... probably never knew that he needed someone. he spent his whole life in booze and wasting his life away. he left his children to their own defences, he beat up his own daughter out of his own supposed shame. but isnt the greatest shame you. he is a selfish man and the ultimate manifestation of evil. at some point, burris will grow up to be bob. and the cycle continues. what happened to bob's wife? burris, if you are to be bob, dont kill another woman. bob you have no right to say that your pain has been bigger than boo's. because you simply just dont know, you have no right.

i dont wish that you will fall on your own knife, but i do wish you wouldnt chew tobacco.

2008-09-25T09:58:00.002+08:00

and i lament again. WHY DO CAMERAS HATE ME AND DENY ME OF BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES. is my past to remain only in the confinements of my head?

heh heh. dont you wish your friend has a husband like terry!

2008-09-25T08:39:00.003+08:00

when the national anthem is played, we are supposed to stand at attention and sing the song with pride. you are not supposed to move. itches will be settled after the anthem ends.

but somehow your face is always itchy during the song, and the worst part, at the START of the song. so when you have just warned your students "HEY YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE", you have to keep true to what you have just uttered and so you are this squirming squid wanting to scratch your face but you just cant.

the break before the pledge and the anthem is also a painful period of time. because you are still NOT allowed to move. and because everybody would have been (or are supposed to be) silent, every cough, every move is amplified, magnified.

so you attempt to sneak a quick scratch of the face when your hand comes up to your chest. and pretend nothing happened.

and hope for the pledge dude to quickly finish reciting the pledge (patriotically of course).

but nowadays... they.... talk.....so....slowly..........
weee........the......citt....i....zzennss.....

today i discovered the banes of patriotism.

FLIES.

just when you want to open your mouth and sing proudly... they come near you. and every attention is taken off the anthem... and you fight hard... not to be rude... but the fly just has one aim. it wants to go near your mouth. or worse. it challenges itself and wants to go into your nose.

in the words of grace, OH NOSE.

this darned relentless fly kept flying around today. so i sang the anthem in my head. and the fly went to kacheow the students nearby. hahah.

2008-09-14T19:22:00.002+08:00

so i had intended to save some money, so i can contribute to taking the family to hong kong (yes i seem to only go there) the end of this year. so my mum suggested, if i were to pay like that, i might as well just pay for my brother's share.

so i was truly considering doing so.

but today, somebody's attitude is so freaking shitty, i dont see a point in me doing a single thing. i rather spend the money on my mother and take her there.

haha, you dont know how scary i can be. and im sorry, youve crossed the line.

2008-09-11T16:15:00.005+08:00